Let's Go For A Pint (Vampire/Humor)

6.1 Vampire Besties and Frenemies

So I switched roles with Carmen again. She became the stay-at-home person while someone, namely me, had to buy groceries, a new vacuum cleaner, and light bulbs. I anticipated my day would simply be get stuff and get the Hell out, but no, that wasn't happening. As I was leaving the mall with the stuff, I walked into someone. No, it was more like someone walked into me or else I'm putting myself at fault here.

"Watch where you're going you crazy-ass bitch!" the someone spat at me.

"No, you watch where you're going! You're the crazy-ass bitch!"

"I'm not one walking around blind with a vacuum cleaner box!" she picked up the package of strawberries and threw it aside. "Thanks to you my ankle is twisted."

"I'm not the one walking around in ankle twist-inducing heels to make myself taller!"

Then shit got real. The dye-job bimbo bared fang and in response I bared fang as well. She was about to leap up and attack me but stopped.

"Ileana? Has it been thirty years?"

The vamp bitch knew me! After taking a quick glance at her hair roots and features similar to mine, I remembered who she was. "Zenia? You seriously had to go down the plastic route." I extended my hand to help her stand up.

"If you already know, the men here like fake blondes with boob and butt jobs. It's a good thing vampire puberty gave me boob and butt job." She grabbed my hand and fixed her ankle as she stood. "I mean, look at you. You don't wear make-up and you dress like a modern-day flower child."

"So? Is that a problem?"

"How are you supposed to lead unsuspecting men to their doom? Or women, if you're into that?"

"I'm perfectly fine with the way I get my meals, thank you very much." I scrambled to pick up my things, except the vacuum cleaner.

Zenia tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. "Other than that failed attempt at rearing a progeny, you've basically done nothing." Only conclusion to her knowing this would've been meeting Draven. How dare they!

"I so have done a lot since our last spat."

"Oh really?" She folded her arms. "Can you change into a flock of bats or swarm of insects? Have you enslaved a small village for the king?"

She had to mention the bat thing. Sure I'll travel places as a swarm of something much faster than general super speed running. The thing with swarm travel is I have no idea what will happen when I reassemble myself. I could appear with my hands for my feet, or I can miss out on an important organ and die. There's also the chance of getting sucked into jet plane turbines and die that way. Someone finds the key particle holding you altogether, and this can happen transforming into mist, you're a goner. Overall, changing into something requiring you to become many things at once is not safe.

"Neither. You haven't forgotten that I don't fear Chiron the ferryman when I'm at the beach, have you?"

Got her! Zenia mumbled something in Greek as she bent to pick up the rest of my groceries.

Any body of running water holds vampires back to a certain extent. During the transition, we enter the underworld and encounter the ferryman. While the ferryman isn't the frightening part of our brief trip, it's the river that's frightening. It's not composed of water but screaming souls. We're assumed to forget our time in the underworld and anything we learn there if we failed to pass a test. The image of the river, however, is terrifying it won't fucking leave. Maybe it was the consequence of failing his test, but that's not important now.

"Dammit! I had to fall for that again!"

I chuckled. "Well, that's not the only thing I acquired upon my return. Say, you're not looking to make yourself paler than usual?"

"And look like one of those fake movie vampires? Not really." After fixing my bags of groceries, she gathered her things while I picked up the vacuum box. By fixing she put the items in random bags and on where they were originally packed.

"Well, that's too bad. I have a stash of an experimental drug that not only makes you appear like a movie vampire but also sends you into a frenzy."

"Frenzy you say?" She asked as we started heading towards the exit. "Perhaps we should come over and visit."

"We?"

"Yes, we. My boyfriend and I are in the Metropolis on holiday. He's currently resting in our hotel from the jet lag. It was a four-hour flight across three time zones."

If it was only Zenia coming over I could handle her, but she had to mention boyfriend. Then again, Carmen receives most of her energy being surrounded by people. "Four hours over three time zones isn't enough to knock someone out."

"You and I aren't affected by it, but he is. I'll just get your number and call you when we're dropping by."

"How am I supposed to–"

And before I could finish my question, she snatched my phone from my tiny purse pocket and called her own phone from it.

"We'll see you in a couple hours." Just as she placed my phone back I assumed she left. How was I supposed to know with a giant box blocking my view? After our encounter I made my way out of the mall. I realized I left the groceries where we crashed so I returned to the mall, bought the stuff again, and finally headed back to the apartment.

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Don't really have much to say on this chapter other than the friendly reminder to hit the star, add to your library or list, or leave a comment.

Song featured: "Anything you can do I can do better" from the film/musical "Annie Get Your Gun"

Edited: 08/10/2018