Paper Heart Poetry

Part 31:Time to Rant

Memories.
They come and go when they feel like it.
Leaving me feeling dazed and static like a torn eighties picture on show.

Wait,am I even feeling?
I know what I've been through but struggle to piece the memories together.
Like my mind has been withering away,slowly day by day.

I know it hurt,more than anyone could ever know.
I feel the raw edged scars on my heart
But I don't know the perpetual order of things.

But what I do know,
Is reminders are never hard to come by.
Perhaps that's what keeps the hurt fresh.

When people look at me,
What do they see?
Who am I to them?

I know I can never control my words,
They come out as pretentious as I feel.
But how else do I cope?

I wonder at times,
If people can sense how forced my confidence is,
As a shy away on the inside yet refuse to let it show.

I wonder at times,
If people take what I say and see the double meanings behind them,
Me subconsciously begging someone,anyone for help.

I wonder at times,
If people realise that my jokes and laughter come at a price,
A price I pay to seem sane when I'm coming apart at the seams a bit more each day.

But if they don't ,
Maybe it's for the best.
Afterall,I refuse to be seen as the broken toy that needs someone to fix it.

I need to fix me,
And it hurts so much to realise you yourself are your only hope.
But it isn't right that they know and I pray that they never do.

If they could look at me being cocky and sarcastic,
And somehow catch a small peek at the scared little girl inside,
They'd look at me like I was her.

They'd look down on me,
Like I was some damaged child who had been hurt with words and things far worse than indifference.

No.

I hold my head high,
Push down the hurt.
Try piece my mind together to regain sanity.

But unsurprisingly,
My shaky hands and unsteady words,
Are never quite able to convince me.

And as a consequence,my memories remain movie-like depictions,
Allowing my resolve to slip as I face the internal battle,
Of wanting to forget but needing to remember.

Afterall,the mind blocks out memories to shield itself,
But somehow forgets to remind the heart to do the same,
Leaving the body in an incoherent battle.

The overpowering numbness and inability to trust?
A reminder that the heart is stronger than the mind.

The flashbacks and panic attacks?
I see that as the mind fighting back.