Broken

Blame.

Alena

I awoke with my mother's arms still securely holding me, my head tucked under her chin as she held me, the steady beating of her heart keeping me calm.

I wanted to slide out of her grip to shake off the shameful events of the night, however her tight hold and soothing aroma made the need vanish as her maternal instinct calmed my jittering nerves.

I felt the baby's fluttering against my side, causing my mother to stir and then slowly raise her eyelids, falling on me.

"Alena, honey we need to talk." She whispered, the horrors of the night that I normally shoved to the back of my brain when I saw the sun rising, now flooded back as she reminded me of the shaking, the tears, the scream that I had belted at her touch.

"I don't want to, please just let me forget it." I begged quietly, slowly sitting up, pulling my knees against my chest.

"That won't help, Alena, trust me. You need to talk about it, that's the only way the burden becomes less paralyzing." She said gently, making the tears begin, but I couldn't have a repeat of last night, not when the excuse of exhaustion or confusion were invalid.

I started to push them back and frantically wipe them away when my mother carefully clutched my hands, staring me sternly in my eyes.

"It's okay to cry, it's easier said than done but you can cry about this, especially around me." She said with a pained expression, her own tears falling, making mine pour in anguish.

"Now, Alena, you have to tell me who did this." She demanded sternly, I bit my lip and felt my cheeks blush in embarrassment. "I don't remember, I had a drink, but then he got me intoxicated and I don't remember his face, and his name, well I never got it. I just remember... well, I remember what he did." I admitted, this time being completely honest with my mother, and judging by her eyes, she knew it.

"Okay. Who else knows?" She asked, I swallowed and look down, not wanting to divulge that information.

"I don't want to tell you, just one person, just let me talk with them before I tell you." I requested, my eyes pleading as she sighed and bit her lip.

"Fine, but I'm taking you to the doctors today." She declared, but I shook my head and gripped her hand.

"I already went, I don't have anything." I assured, making her purse her lips and exhale. "Alena, sweetie, why didn't you tell me?" She asked softly, clearly hurt that I hadn't confided in her.

"I couldn't. It's too much of a burden, I'm already living with you, and you have a baby on the way, and I don't want to stress you out. You've been sick and-."

"Alena, stop." She said pulling me into her, wrapping her arms around me. "I know this is new for both of us, but I'm your mother, and no matter what it is, it will never be too much for me. This is too much stress for one person to be holding on their shoulders at once. Just because I'm pregnant doesn't mean I can't handle being your mom. It's my job to protect you, and by you not telling me, I failed at that.
My daughter was hurt and I had no idea, and couldn't make it better." She wept, her tears wetting the top of my head.

"You didn't fail mom. I promise that you didn't. I messed up and I was asking for it, I mean I was drunk and in that dress-."

"Don't say that. Don't you ever say that. No matter your state you were not asking for this, everything this has caused you, nobody should have to go through that, especially you!" She cried, cupping my chin, I squeezed her hands and pulled them away from my face, holding them gently.