Reviews: Free and Simple - Closed for Catch Up!

Review 12 - The Babysitters

Title: The Babysitters
Author: ooodles_
Suggested by: ItsTessa_
Genre: Humor
Status: Ongoing
Mature: No
Summary:

"our worlds collided and, in an instant, your ocean had color because of my sky"

She hated him. He had no idea about her. She was so against cussing. His day was incomplete without speaking profanities. She was violent. He was the big time softy. She was the outcast. He was the popular hearrthrob.

They were two different people with two different world who were never meant to know each other, forget falling in love.

But then, she needed an escape and he needed.. well a new cell phone.

Thats when their fate brushed and they ended up being the babysitters.

Who knew, all it had to take was serendipity?

First impression 6.5/10 -

Cover: The cover is cute, a little unorganized, but cute. It fits the title pretty well. I don't like the background or the way the pink and blue of the title clash with the cream of the background. I think it would look better against a white background, and maybe get rid of the fill color for the title.

Summary: I don't like the different font that the quote is written in, and the first word of it isn't capitalized. The paragraph after the quote is very choppy to me. Instead of saying 'She ______. He ______.' over and over, you could say 'She ____, but he _____.' It just flows better and fixes the choppiness. The sentence that reads 'But then, she needed an escape and he needed.. Well a new cell phone.' would be better as 'But then, she needed an escape and he needed...well a new cell phone.'

Plot 7.5/10 - I don't like the 'cast' chapter at the beginning. You give descriptions of everyone's personalities, and while that's nice, you need to get their personalities across in your writing. I think telling everyone their personalities is cheating a little bit.

Your plot itself is very cliche (not that that's a bad thing). I can't really get into the book, it's not my type of book.

Dialogue 9.5/10 - Your dialogue is almost perfect, but you should change one, minor thing. In sentences like '"Holy broccoli! I think they are coming," Somebody squeaked.' you don't capitalize the first letter, unless it is 'I' or a name. You can find all the rules of dialogue by simply googling them :)

Grammar 8/10 - I didn't see any major errors, but I would change the second paragraph in chapter one. Try adding more description and making the sentences less choppy.

What you have: 'Soon, there was a chaos in the cafeteria. Every girl began adjusting her dress. Some were doing their makeup, others were applying mascara over their eyes. While a few eyes were settled on the entrance of the cafeteria, eagerness dancing in them'

What I would do: The words of the squeaky voice caused chaos in the cafeteria. Girls of all ages began adjusting their clothing, while a few perfected their makeup. With mascara perfectly applied, many eyes stared eagerly at the cafeteria entrance.

Characters 9/10 - Since I couldn't get very far in, I can't say much about your characters. I like the friendship you established between the three girls and they are quite relatable.

Overall 8.1/10 - You have a great base, but you need to go through and edit your story a bit. I think their personalities come through well enough in the dialogue and you could maybe get rid of that whole 'cast' chapter. You need to add more description and fix some of your choppy, confusing paragraphs/sentences.