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Review 13 - My Demonic Guardian Angel

Title: My Demonic Guardian Angel
Author: yourfriendbri
Genre: Dark Romance/Fantasy
Status: Ongoing
Mature: Yes and No
Summary:

Charity Raven Hunter comes from a long line of hunters. Protectors blessed by God long ago; they have sworn to eradicate all the pure evil forces in the world.

She was only six years old when she witnessed the murder of her parents at the park; undone by the force they swore to destory. Ever since the day her faith in God has diminished and she has become a believer of science.

She has lived her life practically alone with the exception of her best friend Micheal Angelo of whom she has known since the second grade. That is until she met him: Lucifer De-Vil. The one person that knows how to get under her skin.

Raven, even though she doesn't understand feels an unexplainable attraction towards him every time she is near him. She, after trying her hardest to stay away from him, ends up trusting him, and by accident and without her consent, is thrown into a world of things she's never imagined.

First impression 6/10 -

Cover: Your cover is somewhat appealing, but the words are hard to read. You need to either change the colors or change the background.

Summary: The summary on the actual book is more like a prologue. It is incredibly long and doesn't tell me was the book is about. I'd put that as a prologue and make a different summary.

Plot 8.5/10 - Your prologue was super long, but I feel like it set up the rest of the story very well. I like the whole Lucifer as a guardian angel idea, it's unique. I definitely like the feel of it and I think you have it put together very nicely. The beginning of your first chapter is very cliche, which isn't bad, but it can sometimes deter readers.

Dialogue 9/10 - Most of your dialogue is perfect, but there are a few things you need to fix.

For example, the sentence that reads:

"Okay, remember your promise." Charity said.

Should read:

"Okay, remember your promise," Charity said.

Note the comma instead of a period. Whenever you follow dialogue (that would normally end in a '.') with 'he/she said, replied, questioned, etc, you put a comma instead of a period. I'm sorry if that's confusing. Look up dialogue rules on google and they should help :)

Grammar 8/10 - I didn't see anything wrong spelling wise, but some of your sentences seemed a little choppy. In the first chapter there is a sentence that reads:

One of the joys of living in a small town is the fact that the school is the fact that I can walk to school.

Obviously, that sentence doesn't make sense. You have an extra 'is the fact' and even if you take that out, it's still weird. I would go through and read over your work again.

Characters 8.5/10 - I loved Charity in the prologue. She was so innocent and just the perfect child character. The parents in the prologue were also well portrayed. In the first chapter, I kinda like Charity, but not as much. She seems kind of bland, like she only had the rebel thing. Maybe it's just me though.

Overall 8/10 - This book is good, but fixing a few confusing sentences, fixing your dialogue, and changing your cover would make it even better.