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Title: Raava Author: Lady-Senpai Genre: Fantasy Status: Ongoing Mature: No Summary:
Raava was chosen by god as the savior, protector of gods people down on Earth until she caused mass destruction after making a deal with the devil himself, for the sake of her sister Talia. As punishment from god, she was crystalized and for a century she had to relive that day over and over again but then one day she woke up. She was back on Earth and was made a savior, but- why? Father senses something evil approaching, and only the saviors of earth can defeat the darkness that lurks between Earth and the Underworld.
First impression 7.5/10 -
Cover: Your cover is okay, but it could be improved. The title looks squished over to the side and could be bigger. I'd say maybe put it towards the bottom of the image (since it's dark) and make it bigger. It is eye catching though.
Summary: The information you have in your summary is good, but you have almost run on sentences and grammatical errors within it.
Here's what you have:
Raava was chosen by god as the savior, protector of gods people down on Earth until she caused mass destruction after making a deal with the devil himself, for the sake of her sister Talia. As punishment from god, she was crystalized and for a century she had to relive that day over and over again but then one day she woke up. She was back on Earth and was made a savior, but- why? Father senses something evil approaching, and only the saviors of earth can defeat the darkness that lurks between Earth and the Underworld.
Here's how I would write it: (This is just a suggestion)
Raava was chosen by God as the protector and savior of his (you could also do His) people on Earth. This was changed when she made a deal with the devil and caused mass destruction on Earth, for the sake of her sister Talia. As a punishment from God, she was crystallized and forced to relive that day for a century. Then, she woke up. She was placed back on Earth and was made their savior once again, but why? Father senses something veil approaching, and only the saviors of the Earth can defeat the darkness that lurks between Earth and the Underworld.
It's not very different, but it flows and looks better.
Plot 8/10 - I don't like how you describe Raava in your prologue. The description should come across in your writing, not from blatantly telling us. I can't really judge this category because I can't get into your book (for reasons you will see), but I do like the general idea.
Dialogue 6/10 - Okay, so there is a major turnoff for me in your first chapter. For one, you have some stuff in your dialogue to fix, which I'll get to in a bit. For two, and the major thing that turned me off, your paragraphing. I
In this screenshot, you will see the point where I couldn't read any more.
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Here's how I would fix this:
She turned to the side and it was the boy from earlier. "You again, kid?"
"Didn't I mention I live in Prothanlon?" Raava began walking. "Hey, wait up!"
As they walked together towards Prothanlon, Raava began to ask questions. "So, your savior, what's he like?"
"I don't like him."
Raava looked over at him, curious yet confused. Everyone usually loved the Savior. "Why's that?" she asked.
"He's a total phony, sometimes I don't even think he cares about the people. That's why I'm curious why you're going to see him. Is he like a friend of yours or something?" he asked.
Do you see how much better that looks? It's much clearer for the reader to understand. You don't have to change it, it's your choice of course, but I think it'd be easier for readers to enjoy.
Now, in sentences like:
"It's fine kid, ill find my own way there, just point me towards the way to go." Raava said, aloof.
You would punctuate like this:
"It's fine kid, ill find my own way there, just point me towards the way to go," Raava said, aloof.
Note the comma instead of the period. **I copied these sentences down word for word and only changed the punctuation**
If I were writing that bit of dialogue, here's how I would write it:
"It's fine, kid, I'll find my own way there, just point me in the right direction," Raava said, aloof.
All I did was change some wording, added another comma, and fixed a spelling error.
Grammar 7/10 - Personally, I believe you should you through and edit your chapters. I came across multiple ills that were supposed to be I'll's. As a reader, this is a major turnoff and I suggest you go through and correct those along with any other mistakes there are.
Characters 8/10 - Since I didn't get very far, I can't really judge your characters, but I do like Raava and Thomas so far. Thomas is probably my favorite, but I suspect he is not a main character.
Overall 7.3/10 - Whew, long review. I do like the base you have, but it needs some improvements. In order to get more readers, I highly suggest you work on your paragraphs. They were very confusing and separating them more would help. I hope you enjoyed my review and take my points into consideration :)
