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Review 14 - If Judas Went to Heaven

Title: If Judas Went to Heaven
Author: cerseiforpresident
Genre: Teen Fiction
Status: Ongoing
Mature: Not yet, but will be
Summary:

This story follows the lives of Daenerys Cavalli and three friends in her beyond complicated social groups when the mysterious David Wilder moves to her town and starts attending her church and school. Drama erupts in both of her groups, will she be able to stand being at the center of it all?

First impression 7/10 -

Cover: You should probably get a new cover. The font is small and hard to read and the background is boring. If you want to draw in readers, your cover has to catch their eye, because let's face it: people judge books by the cover.

Summary: The summary itself is good, but I don't like he dialogue at the beginning. I think it would be perfectly fine without those two bits of dialogue.

Plot 6/10 - Okay, so your prologue is good, but I hate the appendix and cast chapters you have. I hate the appendix because you should be able to get all of that information across in your writing. There is way too much information, and not all of it is needed. Even then, all of the information is easy to come across in your writing. All the appendix is, is stating the characters age and that they are Christian. If it's really necessary information, include it in your writing. Overall, your plot seems good. I like that it's set in Australia (I love Australia). If you are going to keep the appendix and cast chapters, I would suggest putting them before the prologue. It's just weird to go from prologue to irrelevant chapters.

Dialogue 8/10 - Now, your dialogue needs some help. You have the main parts down, but there's a big thing you need to fix.

For dialogue like:

"Convenient,"

That's not followed by 'he/she said' you end with a period instead of a comma.

"Convenient."

"I saw them outside, yeah."

It's very minor but extremely important. It turned me away from your book and when I started reading the prologue and saw that.

Grammar 8.5/10 - I would suggest you space out your dialogue more instead of having it crammed together. Other than that, I didn't really see any major grammatical errors.

Characters 9/10 - All of your characters seem well organized, but I do have to say almost all of the names are generic, except for Daenerys. This isn't a bad thing, I just like uniquely named characters.

Overall 7.7/10 - I think you have a good idea, but you need to go through and edit a little bit. Taking out the appendix would make your story seem more professional, it's not necessary. Show off characters' personalities and characteristics through dialogue and body language and not just telling us.