Reviews: Free and Simple - Closed for Catch Up!

Review 22 - A Forgotten Legend

Title: A Forgotten Legend
Author: TheLostOne12
Genre: Fantasy
Status: Ongoing
Mature: Yes/No - Swearing
Summary:

The story of a dark mage and how he discovers his powers.

First impression 5/10 -

Cover: I have mixed feelings about your cover. I think the title blends in too much with your background and I hate the font. The picture itself is also not the greatest. I'd definitely get a new cover to draw more readers in.

Summary: I like your summary. It gives enough about the story while leaving some things to intrigue potential readers.

Plot 7/10 - I can't score this because I can't even start your book. I can't read because you have everything scrunched together. I like the story idea, but it's too hard to read.

Dialogue 5/10 - Okay, every time someone new talks, start a new paragraph. Right now, you have everything scrunched together and it's not appealing at all.

You have it like this:

The sun shined down upon the desert, it's heat beating the sand until it was deathly hot. The desert was no place for any living thing, and yet, life thrived. Towering cati, tiny bushes, and against all odds, a small town, or at least the start of one. A few rough buildings, the inhabitants of which were few in number, no more than 30, and it is in this rough beginning where the tale starts.

The lid of a chest slams closed, the one who was looking at its contents rest a hand on the chest, "Brother! We're low on gold again" the person shouts to the next room "Well how about you use your magic and make some Xion?" a male voice counters as it's owner walks into the room, a tall, well built, man with tanned skin, dark brown hair, and eyes to match, wearing a black smiths apron, "Aaron, that's not the magic I deal with, I'm no alchemist," Xion says standing and walking over to another chest to gather supplies "I think I'm going to the mines, we're low on iron as well" Xion states as he opens the chest and retrieves a book with arcane text on it's cover. "Now I can't in my right mind let you do that, the miners have said they've seen an eerie purple glow coming from the caves" Aaron says crossing his arms and giving his brother a stern look "Aaron, you may be older than me by three years but that doesn't mean you can tell me what to do, I'm 24 after all, and just because mom and dad are... gone...." Xion trails off, staring sorrowfully out the window above the chest. Aaron puts a hand on Xion's shoulder, "And that's exactly why I can't let you go, we're all the family we have left" Xion brushes off Aaron's hand, stands up and heads for the door, grabbing the steel pickaxe leaned up next to it "Even so, we need those supplies, the people are running low on these things as well, I'll be back in four days with more than enough" Xion puts the pickaxe in a sling on his back before walking out the door and heading towards the caves not far from the settlement.

Here's how you should do it:

The sun shined down upon the desert, it's heat beating the sand until it was deathly hot. The desert was no place for any living thing, and yet, life thrived. Towering cati, tiny bushes, and against all odds, a small town, or at least the start of one. A few rough buildings, the inhabitants of which were few in number, no more than 30, and it is in this rough beginning where the tale starts.

The lid of a chest slams closed, the one who was looking at its contents rest a hand on the chest. "Brother! We're low on gold again," the person shouts to the next room.

"Well how about you use your magic and make some Xion?" a male voice counters as its owner walks into the room, a tall, well built, man with tanned skin, dark brown hair, and eyes to match, wearing a black smiths apron.

"Aaron, that's not the magic I deal with. I'm no alchemist," Xion says standing and walking over to another chest to gather supplies. "I think I'm going to the mines, we're low on iron as well," Xion states as he opens the chest and retrieves a book with arcane text on it's cover.

"Now I can't in my right mind let you do that. The miners have said they've seen an eerie purple glow coming from the caves," Aaron says, crossing his arms and giving his brother a stern look.

"Aaron, you may be older than me by three years, but that doesn't mean you can tell me what to do. I'm twenty four after all, and just because mom and dad are...gone..." Xion trails off, staring sorrowfully out the window above the chest.

Aaron puts a hand on Xion's shoulder. "And that's exactly why I can't let you go. We're all the family we have left."

Xion brushes off Aaron's hand, stands up and heads for the door, grabbing the steel pickaxe leaned up next to it. "Even so, we need those supplies. The people are running low on these things as well. I'll be back in four days with more than enough." Xion puts the pickaxe in a sling on his back before walking out the door and heading towards the caves not far from the settlement.

Breaking them up makes it easier to read. I also fixed your dialogue. I'd read up on how to write dialogue because it looks like you're struggling.

Grammar 6/10 - You use a lot of commas when you should use periods (note what I changed above). I also saw you used it's instead of its. I'd go through and edit your chapters to make them more appealing.

Characters 8/10 - I like Aaron. He plays the caring older brother role and I like that. I like Xion, too. He seems independent, but also relies on his brother, like most families are.

Overall 6.2/10 - You have a good plot, you just need to go through and edit. I would love to read this, but I just can't. The lack of paragraphing makes it difficult and unappealing.