--
Why doesn't it hurt as much?
Jungkook sat up in his bed, those words repeating over and over as he stared out the window. He felt hollow as he stared down at the damage done to his thighs after he kicked the blankets off of his legs. The scars were bad, worse than a lot of the other ones that he created; but they didn't hurt as much. Jungkook didn't know if it was because he had become accustomed to the pain, but it took so much longer to produce the feeling he craved.
It wasn't because of what happened with Jimin, he was sure. That ached for a few day, yes, but by the time it was a week later Jungkook came to terms with that fact that he wasn't allowed to control who Jimin did and didn't want to be with. He was the one who lied to Jimin, so he was the one who would reap the consequences.
He ended up not going to his morning class yesterday, but it wasn't on purpose. He simply lost track of time.
Jungkook usually felt a rush of adrenaline after he played with a flame, sometimes even the morning after; but currently he felt nothing. Why didn't he feel anything?
His mind felt blank. Blank to the point that it frightened him because he always had something stirring in his brain. Grades, appearance, projects, class, his lighter, Jimin. Always something, but now there was nothing.
"Did I break myself?" Jungkook wondered out loud, thumb rubbing softly against his newer injuries.
Can you break yourself? Jungkook didn't know. In the past, he had always believed that everyone else was the one holding the gun, but was it really him all along? Had he finally pulled the trigger and released the fatal shot? He wasn't sure.
Jungkook snapped out of his thoughts due to a knock on his door, mumbling out a hopefully understandable 'come in' in response. It was apparently loud enough, because his door creaked open a few moments later. He pulled the blankets back over his legs before turning to the visitor; Taehyung.
"Jungkook are you feeling alright?" He asked, expression filled with worry as he leaned against the doorframe. Jungkook's eyes widened a tad bit, his fingers curling around the fabric of his blanket.
"Of course I am." The lie rolled off of his tongue so smoothly that it would've scared him if he wasn't so used to it. "Why do you ask?"
Taehyung shuffled his feet, sticking his hands in the pockets of his sweater and sighing.
"You didn't go to class yesterday, you're currently..." Taehyung checked his watch, "Twenty minutes late for your class today, and you've hardly spoken since you woke up yesterday. I just want to make sure that you're alright."
Jungkook's eyes drifted over to his clock, eyebrows shooting up when he noticed the time. He was late. He didn't even notice.
"I've just been really tired recently Hyung." Jungkook sighed, rubbing his face. "I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I just finished a really important project, maybe I'm catching a cold."
The older of the two nodded, although he didn't look all that convinced. His lips were still turned downwards into a frown, wringing his hands absentmindedly as a nervous habit. "I promise. Don't worry about me okay? You've got a project coming up don't you? Focus on that instead of me."
"Jungkook it's only human nature the worry about people that you care about." Taehyung sighed, the words striking a chord in Jungkook's heart. The younger looked down, closing his eyes and sinking his teeth into his bottom lip. "You're like my little brother, I want you to be alright."
Jungkook could feel the tears building up in his eyes, but he blinked them back before he looked up again. "You're sure that you're okay?"
The younger nodded, brushing a few strands of hair out of his eyes.
"Why wouldn't I be?"
--
Taehyung told him that it would be best if he took the day off that day as well to collect himself.
Maybe it would've been best for him to go to class.
His afternoon classes would help him take his mind off of things, and would usually help to keep the lighter out of his hands. If he got all of his frustrations out in a non destructive way first, there was no reason for his lighter later on. Even now though, Jungkook's fingers didn't touch upon the cool surface of the lighter. Instead, he stood in front of the mirror in his bathroom.
His t-shirt was discarded on the floor as well as his sweatpants, leaving him only in his boxers as his reflection stared back at him. He heard once, that what you see in the mirror is what you want to see of yourself.
Jungkook would have to argue against that.
He didn't want to look at himself and see what his eyes settled upon. Jungkook's heart felt like someone took it, and squeezed it in their fist as he stared at his body. The hollowness that he felt earlier in the morning was being filled up with self doubt, self hatred, self loathing. He felt like someone lit a fuse that led to him; hands shaking and breathing becoming more uneven as he looked at all of the damage he had done to himself.
It was when he truly thought about the fact that all of those ugly, disgusting, scars were on someone else as well that the fuse ran out.
And if he thought that he broke before, he felt as if he shattered completely right then. A single tear dripped off of his chin, followed by another, and another, until he was full on sobbing. His vision was blurred by his tears, fingers knotted in his own hair as he gripped at it.
Take the day off the collect yourself.
Jungkook did the opposite.
He couldn't remember the last time he cried as hard as he did then, hands shaking profusely as he tried to wipe away the tears; they only got replaced with new ones seconds after. He finally gave up and sank to his knees, the feeling of the cold tile barely registering in his brain as he struggled to get full breaths in.
"It's human nature to worry about people that you care about."
Letting himself remember what Taehyung had told him only brought another wave of tears on, Jungkook borderline hyperventilating as he dug his fingernails into some of his older scars.
"I just want you to be alright."
"I've never been alright!" Jungkook cried out, not even one hundred percent sure if Taehyung was still home or not. He didn't care. He couldn't help it. "I don't know how to be alright!"
He brought his knees up to his chest, leaning back and bumping his head lightly off of the wall behind him. And it was true, he didn't know. His ways with the lighter started around the time he was thirteen. The self hatred started years before that.
Despising himself was all he knew.
He didn't know how accept love from people because he believed it was ridiculous that they'd like someone like him.
Taehyung was probably lying through his teeth.
Heejin most likely pitied him.
Jimin didn't like him unless he was drunk.
It didn't take long for his mind to turn against all that he knew, and by the time he stopped crying a wave of exhaustion washed over him. When he fell to his side he hardly even felt it as his head hit the tile.
It was if his mind was somewhere else. Everything felt so distant.
Jungkook was sure of it then, as he let his eyes flutter shut.
You can break yourself.
--
