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Jungkook felt like he was suffocating.
He lay on his bed, eyes screwed shut and fingers twitching as he attempted to regulate his own breathing. The urge to hurt himself was eating him alive; sizzling across his skin, clouding his thoughts, and blinding his judgement.
He couldn't though.
He couldn't do that to Jimin, couldn't reaffirm the older's beliefs that he was weak, selfish, and unneeded. He wanted to so badly though, he needed something to satisfy the urge within him. His skin felt like it itched as Jungkook opened his eyes and stared at his bedroom ceiling.
He tried recalling former tactics of subduing his temptations, but writing down his thoughts sounded useless at the moment, and he sure as hell wasn't going to a therapist when he was in this state.
The only other option in his mind was one that he knew Taehyung would be mad at him for even thinking about, but he knew for a fact that what he wanted was stashed in the back of his closet, underneath a few unfinished or failed paintings. He could remember exactly what it felt like too, and was quite fond of it. The only reason that he trashed the habit was because he hated the scent that clung to him because of it.
Yet still, he stood up, dragging his feet across the floor in the direction of his closet. The feeling that he felt as he rummaged through his belongings was the same one that he felt when his lighter was snug in his palm. He had the power then that could either affect him for the better or for the worse; only he could choose.
The small cardboard box felt strange, yet familiar in his hand as he dug it out from on of his old ripped canvases. It was lighter than when it was first bought, Jungkook opening it and raising an eyebrow when he only found three cigarettes left.
"It'll do." He whispered to himself, standing up and stuffing the box in the pocket of the pants he wore.
He chewed his bottom lip as he walked out of his bedroom, Taehyung had to go to class, leaving him alone. It was alright, he preferred it like that. He felt his heart ache as his eyes grazed over the glass shards that still scattered the kitchen floor, before making his way to the front door. Taehyung's coat still hung on the hook, which was interesting due to the temperatures outside, but Jungkook saw it as a good thing.
He carefully, rummaged around in his roommate's pocket, before his heart leaped when his fingers closed around an object that was all too familiar.
Jungkook drew his hand out of the pocket, and sighed with relief as he stared at the lighter that he now held. It was almost completely out of lighter fluid at this point, but Jungkook knew that it would be enough.
His steps, however, were hesitant as he walked towards the small balcony that extended off of the living room. It was only big enough to stand on, and Jungkook would use it occasionally to watch the bustling campus and try to clear his mind.
His thoughts though, were much too clouded to be cleared by a bit of fresh air.
Jungkook's fingers curled around the door handle for a few moments before he gave in and pushed it open, immediately shivering as the cold air clawed at his bare arms. Snowflakes swirled around sparsely, the blue sky hidden behind grey clouds that promised more snow to come.
He wasn't sure if he fingers were shaking from the cold or his emotions as he reached into his pocket and drew a cigarette out of the box. It had been over two years since he had once between his fingers, yet he didn't hesitate much as he lit a small flame and ignited the end.
He didn't even hesitate as he brought it to his lips, or when he took a deep breath in. Jungkook leaned against the railing, brushing a few tangled strands of hair out of his eyes as he breathed the smoke out into the crisp winter air. He liked thinking about it as if the smoke he breathed in was all of the issues that were weighing heavy on his chest, and the smoke he breathed out was them being lifted off of him.
