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"Alright. Talk."
Jungkook sat a few feet away from him on his bed, fingers twitching as he sat restlessly. He didn't look up to make eye contact with the older, despite his want to look more confident than he felt inside. "You said that you wanted me to listen, and I'm ready to now."
"What do you want to hear first?" Jungkook asked, turning to finally face Jimin. He shed off his jacket, and Jimin couldn't help but scrunch up his nose at the smell of smoke that the jacket let off.
"Why?" The older sighed out, looking up to meet gazes with Jungkook. The air felt heavy, atmosphere weighing greatly on both of their chests. "Why did you feel the need to? To... Hurt yourself in the way that you did." He took the risk of sliding a tad bit closer, still leaving Jungkook with the personal space that he needed.
The younger of the two let out a deep sigh, rubbing his arms and causing the goosebumps there to disappear.
"Why." He repeated. "I guess that's the question that everybody wants to know right? Always the first one that comes to mind." He paused. "To be simple about it, I thought that I deserved it. I just... Hated everything about myself, no matter what it was." He flinched at first when he felt Jimin's hand on his arm, but quickly relaxed. "I really did want to die, but I was too sacred to, because I didn't know what happened after that. I didn't really believe in anything, so I didn't know what would happen to me."
He brought his hand up to rest on top of Jimin's, relishing in how warm the older's skin was. "By the time I found out that this whole soulmate thing..." He locked gazes with Jimin once more, "Wasn't complete lies, I was so addicted to the feeling that I couldn't stop. It was like a drug addict feeling withdrawal whenever I stopped, and I still do feel like that, which is why I picked up smoking to subdue it."
"But why does it have to be something that causes harm to you? Is it the pain that keeps you drawn to it or..." Jimin nibbled at his bottom lip. "Is it the feeling that you get from it? The feeling of pain usually spikes adrenaline doesn't it? The adrenaline will numb what you feel."
"I..." Jungkook's voice cracked, grip tightening on Jimin's hand. "I don't know?" He felt tears brim his eyes, and knew that they would spill over in seconds. "I don't even know why I do it but I can't function without it. How fucked up am I?" A single drop dripped down his face, sliding down his cheek and dripping off of his chin. It left a wet trail on Jungkook's skin, one that Jimin was wiping away with his thumb in seconds. He rested his hand on the younger face afterwards. "Maybe I am selfish, just like how you said I was."
"Jungkook-" Jimin began, quickly being cut off by the younger.
"No. I am." Jungkook shook his head, lifting his other hand up to intertwine his fingers with the hand that rested on his face. He leaned into Jimin's touch, tears wetting the skin of his palm as Jungkook's crying became harder. He seemed to hold onto Jimin's hand for dear life as weeped, tears transferring onto Jimin's skin and slipping down the older's wrist. "I kept doing it because I liked how it felt, despite knowing how much it would hurt you."
He took in a shaky breath, tears cascading down his face. Jimin felt the already present fractures in his heart crack at the seams, and he leaned forward, wrapping his arms around the younger. Jungkook sobbed into his chest, fingers gripping at the fabric of Jimin shirt as he struggled to get a full breath in. "Selfish, selfish, selfish." He mumbled into the older's chest, Jimin's grip only tightening on him as he spoke the words.
"You're not." Jimin's voice was small, afraid that it would crack from the emotions that he felt if he raised it. "I was just so... Scared when I found out that you were my soulmate. I had convinced myself that I had to hate my soulmate, and that any other outcome would just hurt me further. When I found out that the person that I cared for so deeply was the person that I wanted myself to hate, it was just so overwhelming." He pulled Jungkook even closer, pulling the younger onto his lap so that he could hug the younger in a less awkward position. "It's such a conflicting thing, when your heart is telling you one thing and your brain is saying another."
