Emily.

Emily 42.

Emily!

I lay there playing with my fingers and crying as more warm blood covered my night dress and lay on the floor. I lost another baby. I wanted Denzel so bad, maybe he can answer all my questions, he always does. He would have done the same if we were together, hit me because I make him angry, and punish me if I said something stupid, I never wanted to make anyone angry, I just wanted us to be happy, it's always my fault, so I killed my child? I don't know. It made me cry more, and it hurt when I did, either way I was in pain.

I lay there for hours playing with my hair and muttering how much I loved Denzel, I don't know why but I missed him so much, I wish he could hug me right now, I feel so exposed to threats, and danger, I was going mad again, I never mutter, only when I'm on the edge and I felt like that, Marcel's anger was going to eventually kill me, and I can't escape and I can't explain what's going on in my head to him, he hits me when I talk, abuses me when I don't put my head down, I make him angry, I don't know what to do. I ran a cold bath, removed my night dress and got inside and sat in it, it wasn't cold, I didn't react, I just sat there and watched the red take over the clear cold water. I sighed and leaned my head on the wall and started talking to myself. I muttered a few things, and I got faint replies in my head. I smiled, my mum was coming back, finally, me this time I can go and see her. I giggled. Then I paused and remembered what was happening to me. I sat up and shook my head constantly and stopped. That made me shiver, I realised I was in cold water and there was a lot of blood. I grabbed a towel and wrapped it around me and left the bathroom and went to our bedroom. He was sitting on the side of the bed. He looked at me sympathetically and I let tears roll down my face, sighing.

?I'm so sorry!? I said. He looked at me weirdly, and then at the wall.

?I shouldn't have made you angry.? I said, I must have, he said I did. He didn't reply.

?I should have checked, but I wouldn't know, I hadn't eaten in days, I thought the stomach ache was part of me not eating, I have also lost weight I didn't know, I'm so sorry.? I cried. He shrugged.

?Well you are fucked up, why do I bother with you, you ugly nasty piece of shit.? He said quietly with passion. I cried more.

?Doesn't matter if you can't give me a baby, I'll go out there and have one, you'd be a fucked up mother anyway, you should die!? He grinned. I rubbed my eyes and sat on the floor crying in front of him. He looked at me, and in his eyes was a lot of hate.

?I didn't kill my child, no!? I shook my head, crying.

?You did! No one else but you, you never listen you make me angry, look what you caused, you murderer.? He hissed. I cried harder and shook my head. He shrugged.

?Convince yourself your not, they all saw, you killed it, fucking bitch, you make me sick, you fucked up horse! Look at you, your not even decent no more, your ugly! Disgusting piece of mess, no wonder everyone leaves you, you don't deserve nothing, I've all you've got, no one else wants you, no one. Your mum and dad are dead, they left you, who wouldn't, their better where they are now, you won't ever be happy, murderer.? He grinned, I cried harder and he got up and pulled my hair. He dragged me around like a rag doll pulling me into a dark room and switching the light on.

?You can sleep on the floor in here, you can get treated like Terror, your like a fucking animal, dickhead.? He punched my face really hard, I was getting used to his harsh attitude, so I didn't scream it made me feel like dying. He walked out slamming the door and locking it. I sat behind it hitting it.

?Please open the door Marcel!? I shouted banging it. I heard him go downstairs and I closed my eyes and cried. I needed clothes, I was cold and empty it was killing me. I needed to get out. Any how I wanted to leave. I cried and lay in the corner thinking of my little girl I would have had last two years, she'd be two nearly three now, and would have had a little sibling, but they can both be together with my mum, I wouldn't mind being with all of them, no pain, nothing. Just your mind at ease. On this earth nothing was good any more, being with him was all I had, it's gone, so I might as well die...