Things I didn't like:
* When you say "The school bell rang. I picked up my bag and books..." There should be a coma after rang. Not a period, Just little mistakes like that throughout the book. Someone reading over your work before you publish things can really help this.:)
* You don't really give your characters a...lets say a "personality". Your very good at describing everything else just not the characters.
Things I did like:
* Your cover is really awesome I like the swords and the action vibe it gives off.
* The way you described everything (except your characters) I was really able to capture the idea of the game with the monsters and everything.
Overall, I give you 3/5, You need to work on stuff but good progress going here!
