I still have regrets.

Chapter 8 The search

Gray POV

It was finally the day that we're going for the search for Natsu. I felt awful, I nearly slept at all. My heart felt heavy, I made such a statement towards Juvia. The whole night I was thinking about what I feel for either one of them. But I didn't receive an answer. I love Juvia, that was the reason why she was my girlfriend. Still is actually. But I feel something towards Natsu I can't explain. Not only guilt but something inside me, like I miss him. When I think about him I get a warm feeling inside, normally I don't like the warmth. My heart is always cold and frozen. Something like that.

I was preparing myself for the search to Natsu. I went with my bags packed up to the guild. Where the dragonslayers and Erza already were waiting for me. "Finally you're here. Did you sleep well sleeping beauty? He-he" Gajeel remarked. I wasn't in the mood. "It looks like you didn't sleep at all Gray-san? Are you alright?" Wendy asked concerned. "I nearly slept at all, so yea I'm fine." I told them. Erza sighed. I didn't understand why though. "Let's go." Erza declared. "Bring him back home, my children." Gramps yelled at us. We all did the signature sign of fairy tail. I saw behind me that the whole guild did the same. We walked towards the train station or so I thought. But actually we were heading for the forest. "We aren't going to the place with train?" I asked. All the dragonslayers looked at me and then Wendy said "We rather not Gray-san." I didn't understand. "Why? Isn't it easier?" "For you it is Gray, for them it is hell. You know that quite well with all the missions we took with Natsu." Erza said. "And besides we can smell him better if we walk than if we go by train." Gajeel said. Laxus nodded. We all walked the woods further in. I finally understood. It was logic actually.

Erza came walking towards me. "Did you sleep so bad because you were thinking about your decision?" Erza asked. I was amazed, since when did she know everything we think. "You're right. I was thinking the whole night about it. Still am." "And?" "And what?" She sighed again. "Do you know your answer?" I stopped and looked towards the beautiful blue sky and then back at her. "Actually no, but I'm getting towards it." "Don't rush it, and please make a decision you believe in. I hope you have your answer when we find him." "I hope as well." I said. We walked further. After many hours of walking the dragonslayers all stopped. "What's wrong?" I asked. "The scent is different. It is hard to explain." Laxus said. I looked towards Erza. "What do you mean Laxus?" Erza asked. "It is like the scent from Natsu changed suddenly. His old scent disappeared and he got a new one. Something like that Erza-san." Wendy tried to explain. "So what does that mean?" I asked. "It means that or Natsu disappeared, because his old scent is gone. Or he is nearby but he somehow changed his scent." Gajeel explained. "I don't think he disappeared though. Gajeel-san." Wendy said. "It is more like he is in danger or something, his original scent isn't gone but it changed by mixing with other scents. Like blood for example." Wendy explained. "You smell blood Wendy?" Laxus asked. "Because I don't." Laxus said. "Yea there is definitely a scent of blood mixed with his own." "I do as well" Gajeel said. "Shouldn't we hurry than?" I asked concerned. "Yea probably we do, Gray-san." Wendy said. And we all started running. Only to be stopped after few minutes again. "It is confusing." Laxus said. "What is confusing Laxus?" Erza asked. "The scent is everywhere." Laxus explained. We were running in circles and I wasn't getting where Natsu was and if he was alright. "Charle, can you take me higher up?" Charle took Wendy and they flew above all trees. We all looked. Laxus and Gajeel were still sniffing around. After few minutes she came down. "It is what I expected. He set this up as a diversion. He doesn't want to be found. All the scents here are from longer ago." Wendy explained. "So we are at a dead trail?" Erza asked. "Yea sorry, Erza-san." Erza ruffled Wendy her hair. "It is okay, it is getting darker maybe we should put up a camp while we have light." Erza said. 

So we did what Erza proposed, not like we were planning on walking further in the dark in this forest. As the camp stood up and we made old school a fire by ourselves. We were all sitting around the fireplace, and the mood was getting heavier. I suppose everyone was thinking of Natsu when they saw the fire. It did remind me again of him. Of his warmth and all. But I still didn't understand my feelings. Was it really love what I feel for him? I was still wondering. When Erza asked the dragonslayers something unexpected. "How bad was he? I mean you all tried to comfort him by going on this journey with him. But you came back without him." Wendy gulped hard and looked at the fire intensely. "We tried Erza, but.." I felt like he couldn't go further because I was here. "Speak further Gajeel, I know the reason he is like this is because of me. So please finish your sentence." I said. Gajeel nodded, not liking it that he had to continue, but understood that now was not the time to hold secrets. "But he couldn't tolerate the thoughts of his mate already been taken. He had quite some mood swings. Sometimes he wasn't eating or sleeping for days. And sometimes he was so angry that a part of the forest was burned down. It was hard on all of us." "But he couldn't talk about it. He spook barely with any of us when we went on this journey." Wendy said looking at the fire again. "Gray, you should be prepared he may not want to see you, or even talk to you." Laxus warned. I looked towards my lap. "I already taught he wouldn't. I still don't know what I should tell him." "You should think about it Gray-san." "Don't screw up. He-he." Gajeel said. "Careful what you tell him, or he might never come back." Laxus said. It wasn't giving me confidence, it was putting pressure on me. But I deserved it in a way. 

Slowly all of them one by one were going to sleep in one of the tents. When eventually I sat there by myself. I was still staring at the fire. Didn't know if I could sleep at all again. I hurt Juvia by what I told her yesterday. I should apologize again when I come back. Suddenly I hear something behind one of the bushes, so I yell "Who is there? Show yourself!" But the rustling went further away. It sounded like footsteps. So I walked after it. I didn't know where I was going but what I was following was very fast. Why was I following it? Is it possible that it is Natsu? It is possible. "Natsu wait." The person did react by it, but then run further away. I tried some ice magic to make an ice board to float, so I could be faster. Then we hid a dead end and the person I was following was panicking at the dead end. I jumped off the board and ran towards it. When I reached the place, I was stunned. I was right there was Natsu. But not the Natsu I know, he was bewildered. He looked awful, skinnier and his hair and skin looked less colorful. "N-Natsu?" I asked still on my guard. He turned around and looked at me. I saw tears. I felt awful, I didn't want to see him crying. He spat "Why are you hear ice princess?" That name hurt more then it did when we always called each other names. "I, no we.. searched for you." I started but got interrupted. "I told them not to search for me!" he yelled very angry. It was like he couldn't control his emotions. "Gramps told us to search for you." He stared at me. "So you didn't want to see me at all? Did you want to tell me that in the face stripper?" Again that name hurt. "No-no Natsu it is not like that." He was still staring at me but he went silent. I expected he would yell something like explain yourself. But he didn't, his face looked emotionless. 

"That isn't what I wanted to tell you!" He still didn't respond. Like he forgot he should speak to me or something like that. "I wanted to tell you something important.." It was hard, what was I going to tell him. I wasn't ready for this. Do I love him? I think so, do I. I don't know. Argh I'm not getting there. "I..." I pulled on my hair, I wasn't getting anywhere. Why is this so hard. I have a girl at home. But I want.. what do I want. Natsu came closer to me. "What Gray?" He said my name again. He still looked angry, but somehow softer as well. I was glad he called me that. "I.. miss you." His eyes went huge. He stumbled back. Clearly not expecting that I would say that. His face was getting red. "W-what are you saying pervy stripper?" He was getting redder, clearly blushing. I smirked. "What can't I say I miss you, you firebreath." "Do you mean it?" He asked gently and afraid. "Yea, I'm still confused about some feelings I have. But..." "What? Feelings?" He was getting mad again. "Are you here to brag again about her?!" He screamed. "No-no that's not what I mean." "What did you mean? You popsicle!" Bang it hurt again. "I-I might have feelings for you, but I'm still figuring that out. That's what I was trying to say you ash-for-brains." I feel that I was getting red. Did I really confess that just now. He was stunned. "Y-you... are. You are kidding right?" Tears were strolling again. "Natsu, that isn't something I would joke about." "B-but.." He walked further away and sat down against the wall. He took his arms around his legs and laid his head on his knees.

I didn't understand what was going on. But Natsu started to radiate heat. "N-natsu?" I didn't understand what was happening. He stood up, his body in flames. I wanted to come closer but couldn't without myself getting burned. He ran away and yelled at me "Figure it out already baka." I stood there left amazed. I saw Natsu disappearing in the wood. I was left alone. Come to think of it, where am I? I tried to go back towards the campsite. But I couldn't retrace my steps. Like luck wasn't on my side it started pouring too. I was running towards something. When I finally found some shelter. A cave. I felt stupid. How could I tell him that. But that was the truth what I told. But it should indeed be more convinced. I mean he knows for so long that I'm his mate. But could I be that for him. Does he still want me after everything that happened. I guess he did, everyone told me mates are for dragonslayers for life. I walked outside again, to see that the pouring did stop. I walked towards where I saw Natsu for the last time. Since I can't find the campsite again, I will try to go after Natsu. The others will find me, I'm sure of that. I started walking, into the darkness of the wood. It wasn't scary at all, I don't know why but the wood did calm me down. I walked further and further in. Still in thought what I was going to say next to Natsu. To notice I'm complete lost. I should of have slept in that cave I was in. But thanks to this walk I'm clear about my thoughts and will say them towards Natsu and Juvia.