Kaleidoscope

Chapter Nine

Arlington, Virginia

"It's my fault," Theresa told the psychiatrist. "I killed Kelly." Her feeling of responsibility for the accident was a boulder weighing her down, making her irrational. She had refused to see a mental health therapist, squelching her guilty feelings, convinced she was fine. But when she found it difficult to get out of bed in the morning she became desperate. She no longer had a choice. She had to talk to someone.

"Why do you feel responsible?" the doctor asked her.

"Because I was the one driving. I should have seen that tractor-trailer and gotten out of his way."

"What does the police report say? Doesn't it put the driver of the truck at fault?"

"I don't care what it says," she retorted angrily. "Kelly's dead because of me. If I hadn't pestered my parents to let me have the car, none of it would have happened. I know my brother was really ticked because he was using the car for school; I should have just let him."

There was a pause as the doctor tried to figure out where to take the conversation. He decided to pick up on Theresa's mention of her brother and see where it led.

"Tell me more about your brother. How is your relationship?"

"He's always been sullen and distant and then after the accident he only came to see me that first week in the hospital. He never even came to the rehab center."

"I sense a little resentment, Theresa. Has your relationship gotten any better since you've been home?"

"Not really. All he wanted to do was get away, get out of the house and away from our problems. He's up at UMass now on a soccer scholarship."

"So, he was a pretty good player in high school then. Your parents must be very proud of him."

"I guess they never really paid any attention to him. They never even went to his games. I guess I didn't either."

"How does that make you feel?"

"I never really thought much about it."

"Let's talk about your paralysis for a moment. How are you dealing with it?"

"Does anyone ever really DEAL with it? Everything I ever was I'm not anymore."

"You're the same person, Theresa."

"How can you say that? I was a cheerleader, a skier, a tennis player. That's who I was."

"You're defining yourself by what you could do, not by who you still are. Inside you're the same person you always were."

"That's what everyone says. It's not that simple," Kim said, the words spitting out of her mouth.

"No one ever said that any of this would be simple. I think you have a lot on your plate. For right now, let's concentrate on some acceptance for yourself first. How are your parents dealing with your situation?"

"Well, they split but part of that was because my dad had an affair."

"How is your mom handling that?"

"She says they were drifting even before the accident, but the affair was the pivotal point in their breakup." She paused slightly. "And my accident didn't help at all."

Her shoulders began to shake as tears formed in the corners of her eyes, threatening to spill over onto her cheeks. She missed her dad and resented him at the same time. Suddenly she felt overwhelmed. She was paralyzed, her best friend was dead, her brother hated her, her mom was stifling her and her dad had left the family. She didn't know if she could handle much more. She turned toward Dr. Connelly with a sadness like none she had ever felt before.

"We have a lot of work to do," he said when Theresa had regained her composure. "But we'll get you there" he said, kindness in his voice. "Let's pick up here next week."

Theresa rolled out of his office to her mom waiting for her in the outer office.

"How did it go?" Rose asked as she saw Theresa's tear-streaked face.

"Fine, Mom." With that Theresa shut down and the conversation was over. They rode home in silence.