Kaleidoscope

Chapter Eleven

Danny's Thanksgiving was far from peaceful, fraught with tension, making him wonder why he had even bothered to come home. So much had changed with Theresa. She had gone from a sunny, active, hard charging student, to a sullen, disgruntled and clearly depressed individual since her accident. Danny understood, or at least he thought he did, but it didn't make it any easier to be around her. While she was dealing with Kelly's death and her own paralysis, he was smothering his own feelings of separation and isolation. A rain cloud had parked itself over the house and had stalled in the atmosphere. He couldn't wait to escape and go back to school, not knowing that what awaited him there would approach hurricane strength.

He did his best to stay out of everyone's way, and spent most of his vacation with his old high school friends. Every conversation started with "How's Theresa?" He didn't even know how to answer them.

He waded through all the emotions at home, even Theresa's obvious anger towards him, glad to be returning to school. When one of his friends offered him a ride back so he didn't have to take the train, he eagerly accepted. When he got in the car, flashes of Theresa getting in the car that last time cast a pall over his face. His hands began to sweat despite the cold air of the morning. Get a grip, he told himself. Lightning doesn't strike twice. But he sent up a silent prayer anyway.

Unbeknownst to Danny, the driver of the car he was in was high on something. He didn't notice until he began weaving in and out of traffic erratically. Trying not to be a downer, he lightheartedly asked him to slow down, the word "accident" looming in his mind. Please, God, don't let anything happen to me. I don't know if I could go on like Theresa has. A sudden appreciation for his sister flitted briefly through his brain. His compassion for her fought with his resentment for all that she had been — and still was in everyone's eyes. Although depressed now, and fighting very hard to overcome her disabilities, she was still the center of attention. He couldn't win.

Once back on campus, Danny was in his element. Thanksgiving vacation had been a strain, especially seeing Theresa pulled up to the dining room table in her wheelchair, his dad noticeably absent, the conversation stilted. He felt more like a guest than a family member. Looking to find his place again, he was sucked right back into the party scene. Beer, although illegal, was easy to come by from some of the older kids. Parties became the weekend norm. His new circle of friends became his "family." He felt a closeness to some of these guys that he never had in his home life. His social life in high school had consisted of a few close friends, and he was not used to the constant buzz of bands and beer.

One wild Saturday night he noticed something other than beer was being passed around. He was not approached and breathed a sigh of relief. He drew the line at drugs. He wasn't that stupid. He saw what it did to the guys — and the girls.

As the weeks passed, he was lulled into a sense of complacency, and his work began to suffer. His social life took precedence over his academic one. His prowess on the soccer field was noticeably off, and he was in danger of losing his scholarship if he didn't square away. There were strict rules about behavior on and off the field which he was outwardly flaunting. One Saturday, after a blow-out at one of the parties, he missed his game. The coach suspended him from the team for the next two games.

Unfortunately, it didn't seem to make much difference. He continued partying, hitting the booze regularly, rationalizing that all his friends were doing it. Hey, it was college — that's what kids did. But he always avoided the drugs. Part of it was just plain fear. He saw how the others acted, strung out and haggard and it scared the hell out of him. The beer was bad enough, and he always had morning-after regret. His eight o'clock class became harder and harder to get to on a Monday. He even thought that Kim was looking at him disparagingly. Not that he thought she was the slightest bit interested in what he did.

Sadly, one night he took that first step into hell. It was just one pill slipped surreptitiously to him; then, when that wore off, another. His world became smaller and smaller as he climbed down the rabbit hole into oblivion. The combination of the alcohol and the drugs pulled him into a world he didn't recognize. He craved the escape they offered him. He found a camaraderie he had missed all his life. He belonged — to what he wasn't sure — but it soon became his new world, his new normal, one in which he was totally accepted. He lay in bed at night, high on his cocktail of choice, with visions of Theresa/Kim intertwined in his muddled mind. Mornings became hangovers from hell. He started missing soccer practices and finally the coach pulled him aside.

"Son, I don't know what's going on with you right now, but you're about to be kicked off the team. If you don't start toeing the line, I won't have much choice."

"I'm not sure I really care anymore," Danny answered.

"You've got a lot of talent, kid," said the coach. "Don't waste it. Not too many kids come up here on athletic scholarships and you're about to throw it down the toilet. If you need to talk, I'm here."

Danny bristled at the coach's words, unsure how to deal with this father figure in his life. He was afraid if he got started on his whole situation, he wouldn't stop. He was sure the coach was only trying to lend a hand and not become his confessor.

When Danny turned to leave, the coach patted him on the shoulder.

Maybe if Dad had taken as much interest in me, things would be different, he thought.

Later that day he showed up for soccer practice. He put all his effort and strength into the afternoon session, but it was obvious he wasn't in shape. Maybe Theresa had been right all along. He was just a screw up.

The next couple of weeks he stayed away from the parties, tried to stay away from his addiction to alcohol and pills and concentrated on cleaning up his life, his conscience at last kicking in. He was ashamed of what he had become. He studied, attended practices and tried to play catch up. But, it was too late; his life was a mess and he knew it. He needed someone to talk to. He called Jen.

"Hey, little brother, how's college life?" she asked when she heard his voice out of the blue.

"Not so great, Sis. I'm lost. I was miserable at home and now I'm miserable here. I'm cutting classes, partying all the time and getting way behind in my work. I just don't care." He left out the pill part, not sure even Jen would understand. "But, you can't tell Mom or Theresa. It will be hard enough facing them if I lose my scholarship AND flunk out. I don't know how I'll be able to come back home."

"Have you seen a counselor?"

"I can't talk to a shrink, Jen. Everybody will think I'm nuts."

"Who cares? If you're having such a rough time maybe you should think about dropping out for the rest of the semester and coming home."

"Home is where everything got screwed up to begin with," Danny answered, his voice aching with defeat. "I'll figure something out or it will be figured out for me. Thanks for listening, Jen. I needed a friendly ear." With that, Danny hung up, hung his head and cried for the first time in a year. Then he popped a couple of pills to help him sleep.