Kaleidoscope

Chapter Seventeen

"My brother's home from school. He withdrew," Theresa told Dr. Connelly on her next visit, her voice devoid of emotion.

"Did he explain why?" the doctor responded, intrigued that this was the first thing Theresa seemed to want to talk about.

"Not really. He just said he's messed up. I don't know what's up with him — never did, really.

Dr. Connelly picked up on Theresa's confusion about her brother.

"Did you write in your journal?"

"Yeah, I've kind of been keeping up with it. I'm not sure it's doing any good. I don't know how I feel about Danny except sorry right now that he couldn't make it in college. I thought he'd really shine once he got away because that's what he seemed to want so badly."

"What does he plan to do now?"

"I don't know. I don't see him very much. He's always either in his room or out somewhere."

"How does your mom feel about his dropping out of school? After all, you and your sister were both pretty successful students."

"I don't know what she's thinking. Things are a little tense right now."

"How is your relationship with your sister? You never talk about her."

The atmosphere in the room changed at the mention of Jen. Theresa stiffened as she began to speak.

"I guess it's fine. She's five years older so I was never close to her. She was just always a superstar."

"Did you want to emulate her?"

"I guess it was expected. Now can we not talk about her right now?"

Dr. Connelly backed off, realizing there was more to the sisters' relationship than Theresa had ever mentioned. There would be time for that in a later session. He changed course and began to focus on her feelings about herself. He was an expert at finding the right balance in his questions.

Theresa spent the next half hour explaining to him that she was desperately feeling the need for some independence. It had been a long haul, but she had accepted her paralysis and was ready to move on. She had been spending a lot of time with a group of other handicapped young adults and had seen firsthand how they were putting their lives back together. She was over her pity party and wanted to live.

At the end of the hour, Theresa left with unanswered feelings about her sister, Jen. She had never figured in the equation before, and Dr. Connelly's probing had stirred unrecognizable emotions inside Theresa. What part did she play in the family dynamic? Theresa, being closer in age to her brother, had always thought of him more than her sister. Why was that, she thought? She wasn't sure if she wanted to open that compartment of her life. That door had remained shut for years. She quickly erased the thoughts that were suddenly appearing like new characters in her book. She shifted her focus to a new agenda.

On the ride home, she looked over at her mom and saw the slumped shoulders and frailty she had never noticed before. This wasn't the most opportune time for the conversation she was about to have but she didn't know when would ever be a good time. She jumped in with both feet, thinking about how ironic that phrase was to her now.

"I've been thinking a lot about getting a handicapped van."

Rose slowed down. The idea of Theresa behind the wheel of a car terrified her.

"Where's this coming from? I'm more than happy to take you wherever you need to go and now that Danny is home I'm sure he'll pitch in, too."

"You just don't get it, do you, Mom? I need this. I need to get out on my own. I need my independence. I need this to heal."

Rose cringed. Where was this new confidence coming from in her daughter? Perhaps it was the therapy that had her turning the corner. She hadn't mentioned Kelly in a long time and maybe she had finally accepted her death.

Trying to digest the news making her stomach churn, she finally spoke. "I wouldn't even know where to begin."

"Oh, I've already done the research, Mom. I know where to get a van and where to find a driving school to help me learn to use it."

"You have been busy, haven't you?"

"Promise me you'll talk to Dad. This is really important to me."

Rose thought of all the times Theresa had surprised them with her accomplishments. But, this was so different. This was a huge step for her to be taking.

"All I can promise is that I'll talk it over with your father."

Theresa reached over and gave her mom's arm a squeeze. Rose's brow was furrowed. What had she just agreed to?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

While Theresa and Rose were at the Dr.'s office, Danny called Jen and asked her where the clinic was. He had to seize the moment before his resolve dissolved. He pulled on a sweatshirt to keep the cold out, realizing then that the cold was coming from within. He wasn't sure he could do this. His desire for his pills and the desire to be clean again fought for control of him. He took the bus downtown, but got off a couple of blocks away in case anyone on the bus recognized him. He pulled his ball cap down low and walked in the clinic door. He wasn't prepared for what he saw. The waiting room was filled with ordinary people — people just like him. It wasn't what he expected. He guessed he would have seen derelicts off the streets, but these people looked like they had no problems whatsoever. He approached the front desk and was given reams of paperwork to fill out.

Are you addicted to any or all of the following: alcohol, pain killers, heroin ...and the list went on?

Oh, God, how can I put this down on paper? It will make it so real, he thought.

Once he had finished with the forms, he went back to the waiting area and just sat. He was just one of the crowd all over again. Only this was a crowd he wasn't proud to be part of.

Finally, he heard his name called. Did they really have to say it so loudly? He stumbled out of his chair, red with embarrassment and followed the nurse into an exam room. The doctor came in shortly and looked over his paperwork while Danny sat quietly.

A half hour later, Danny left with instructions from the doctor and a complete explanation of what they would expect from him if they were to work with him. He couldn't miss an appointment or they would exclude him from the program. He had to agree to counseling, both private and group. And from this point on, he would be considered an addict. It would be one step at a time. Danny was mortified that his life had come to this. But he owed it to himself and his family, and maybe someday even to Kim if he ever saw her again. But there was one person he needed to talk to.

"Hi, Dad. It's Danny. We need to talk."