Kaleidoscope

Chapter Twelve

"Let's pick up where we left off," said Dr. Connelly at Theresa's next session. "You told me that there was some tension between you and your brother. Why do you think that is?"

"I'm really not sure. I don't think I ever did anything to make him think I didn't care about him. In fact, I was always nagging him to get more serious about school. His attitude was "whatever" about most everything. He just never seemed to try very hard."

"He's the youngest child, isn't he?"

"Yeah."

"And he's the only boy, right?"

"Right."

"Sometimes that is an issue in itself. Your sister, Jen, is in PA school, and very successful. So, your brother is following on the heels of two girls, and very high achieving ones at that."

"Why are we talking about my brother? I thought we were trying to figure out my issues."

"I suspect your relationship with him is all caught up in your feelings about yourself — even before your accident."

"I don't understand."

"You were holding him to your standards and not recognizing him for his own accomplishments, were you not?"

"I thought that was the way it was supposed to be with siblings. It sure was for me."

"What do you mean. Are you referring to your older sister?"

"Who else is there? She was, and I suppose still is, our shining example." Theresa's face fell as she spoke. She had never talked about Jen before.

"Tell me more about Jen."

"There's nothing to tell. She's just perfect."

"Nobody's perfect, Theresa."

At that Theresa shut down. Dr. Connelly moved on, realizing that was a topic they would have to revisit.

"Let's talk about your parents. How is your relationship with them?"

"Well, I told you my dad had an affair and split right after the accident. I knew my parents were drifting, but after I was injured my mom focused all her attention on me. I guess a lot of their problems had to do with my needs. And now my mom won't leave my side and it's irritating. I can't do anything on my own."

"You can't take that on, Theresa. They're grownups and they're responsible for their own actions."

"But if it hadn't been for my accident, maybe none of this would have happened."

"You're carrying a very heavy burden right now, Theresa, and we need to work on that. I want you to go home and keep a journal with all your thoughts and feelings. You don't have to share them with me, but I'd like you to let me know next time if they reveal anything to you. In the meantime, continue to focus on your rehab. That should be your main job right now. I'll see you next week."

Theresa left the doctor's office her head swimming with questions. Had she taken on too much blame? Was she at fault in the strain between her and her brother? She knew she needed to dump the guilt but not until she processed it thoroughly. Perhaps a journal would help.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Rose was acutely aware of the sound of the steering wheel turning as she pulled out of the parking lot. Road noise filtered through the closed windows when they reached the highway. She could hear the steady sound of her breathing. Then Theresa broke the silence.

"Mom, I think you should go back to work."

"You know that's impossible, Theresa. What brought this on?"

"I can take care of myself, Mom. I have my caregiver at the house and I can get around well enough in my wheelchair. I need to get some independence back."

"You still need me, honey. I want to be there for you."

"But that's the problem, Mom. I don't want to need you. The more you're around, the more I depend on you. That's not going to help me get my life back."

"You're getting ahead of yourself, honey. You're just not ready to be left with strangers."

"They're hardly strangers, Mom. They know me just about as personally as you can get," she answered, thinking of the embarrassment she had had to overcome with her personal daily needs being met by others.

Theresa knew she was hitting a wall with her mom so she backed off. Maybe she still needed to give her time. When they arrived home, Rose helped Theresa with her wheelchair and saw to it that she made it into the house okay. Theresa sighed with resignation and went to her room. She pulled out her journal and began.

Dear Journal,

Today I had a good session with Dr. Connelly, but he made me think a lot about my part in what's going on in my family. We really are screwed up. Mom and Dad don't even talk to each other anymore since Dad moved out. I can't believe he would have an affair. Maybe it was my fault. If it weren't for the accident there wouldn't be so much stress around here.

And then there's Danny. He seems to hate me. I only ever wanted him to achieve. He always seemed so disinterested in everything. Dr. Connelly had me thinking about the fact that he got a great soccer scholarship to school and none of us ever realized he was that good. How bad is that? Every time I cheered, both Mom and Dad came to the games but they never went to see Danny play. That must have made him feel like shit. Oh, God, we're such a mess.

Mom won't leave me alone for anything. I just need to go somewhere without her. I hate myself for being so helpless — at least in her eyes. Man, I wish I could talk to Kelly.

Theresa

Theresa closed her journal and cried — for Kelly, for her family, and for herself.