Im Only Human

"I'm the person in the background

The shy one

Tryin to find a way out

Now I have one

A new doorway

To take it all away"

I put my pencil down and decide to go to sleep. It's already 2 am and I have school tomorrow. It would probably be much easier to sleep if I could switch my mind off. It's always on thinking about things it shouldn't.

./././././././././././././././././././././././././././

"I will always love you. Please don't forget that." He says as his fingers trail down my face to my neck.

"If you love me so much, why did you leave me?" I whisper so softly he almost doesn't hear me.

He doesn't answer. He just looks at me. He slowly starts to lean in as if he's about to kiss me. I can feel his breath on my lips...

A loud ringing wakes me up. I reach over and switch off my alarm. I wish it wouldn't have woke me up. My dream always ends right before he kisses me. When I wake up I usually am sweating and crying. Those dreams are like a bittersweet punishment that I receive every time I fall asleep. I always wake up wanting more, wanting it to be real, but then end up hating myself for wanting it.

I check my phone. 6:35 am. Great. I'll be running off 4 hours of sleep today.

I get out of bed to wake up my brother.

"Sam! Get up!" I yell,"NOW!"

I go back to my room to get ready for school. I decide to wear a yellow t-shirt and blue jeans. I walk over to my mirror and run a brush through my hair. I look at my reflection in the mirror. No wonder he left. I'm not beautiful. I have long, light brown hair, hazel eyes and I wouldn't exactly call myself fat but I sure as hell am very far from being skinny. I'm a little chubby I guess.

I finish my usual routine I do to get ready for school and meet my brother in the living room to watch for the bus. While waiting, I scroll back through the past messages we sent each other. Some of them are sweet and they make me smile. Others are more racy and make me blush. It's makes me happy to read these sometimes but then I remember that he cheated on me and that he probably sent the exact same messages to her.

School goes by in a blur. Images of my dreams pop in my head every now and then, but I push them away and focus on my school work.

"Hey!" I turn to see my friend Krista.

I smile at her and give her a hug.

"So," she smiles at me, "have anything new for me today boss?"

"Not today. I'm almost finished with this one though. I think you'll love it."

"Yay! Can't wait!" She smiles at me then leaves to find her bus.

She is my song consultant/critic. I write songs. She either helps me come up with ideas for new ones or she lets me know what she thinks of them. Most of the time she just gives her opinion of them. I don't really have trouble with finding something to write about. I think back to what I wrote last night,"I'm the person in the background

The shy one

Tryin to find a way out

Now I have one

A new doorway

To take it all away."

That's the second verse. Still need a third and it's done.

I step onto the bus and struggle to find a seat. I make the choice of sitting next to three small girls. I immediately plug in my earphones and turn my music up. "Human," by Christina Perri starts playing. I love this song. I think it fits me in every way.

It's 1 in the morning. And I'm sitting here crying. I tend to do this a lot. Everything. All my emotions sort of build up and after a while it start to overflow and it gets harder and harder to keep them in check. So every once in a while, I just cry. I cry about my parents divorce, about not being able to smile, about... I can't even say his name.

He hurt me so badly. Everyone knew it wouldn't end well. Long distance relationships never work out. June 17. Was the day we started dating. For the second time.