Should've Held Onto You (CHA EUNWOO)

1 - Again

My mom told me we were moving again about a month before we hopped on the plane. Her job had opened up a more permanent option back in Korea, and, although she had the option to stay in America, her and my father both missed home. Even though my dad spent a good portion of his childhood in the United States, he has many good memories in Korea.

"I can't believe you're leaving in a couple days. Sometimes I feel like you just got here," Sarah frowned, stabbing at her salad with disinterest.

Jay looked up at me, eyes pleading, "Promise me we'll stay in touch? I don't care how late I have to stay up or how early I have to wake up.. This won't be goodbye."

I'll admit that for about a year, I've been attracted to Jay. As far as Sarah and I know, he likes me too. Sometimes I feel bad though, because I feel like he's way more invested in us than I ever could be. Him and I just never feel right to me. I always feel like running away. He's a real nice guy, and he'd never hurt me, but I think it almost seemed too perfect, as fucked up as that sounds.

So I nodded with a smile, because I love my friends here.

The day that I left, I went and visited everyone to say goodbye. It was a Sunday, so school wasn't in session, but most everyone at school bid me farewell on Friday. At Sarah's, she had sat on the porch waiting for me, the wind blowing her hair, and she wiped her eyes as I walked up. I had my license, but I didn't yet have a car, and she lived only about twenty minutes away walking anyways. She tried to compose herself. I imagine it sucks. Someone comes into your life one minute and you connect, and the next they're gone. My heart hurt. She ran down the porch steps, hugging my tightly, face buried in my neck as I hugged her tighter.

Abruptly, she let go, holding me by he shoulders at arms length. I noticed how red her eyes were, tears streaming silently down her face. "Promise me. Promise me we'll be friends forever." She stuck out her pinky, and I laughed a little. "I'm serious, Miyeong. Pinky swear on it." A heaviness fell upon my chest as I locked pinkies with her before she hugged me tightly again, swaying a little as she cried. Hearing her sniffle, I felt my own tears fall.

"It's going to work out. I promise," I whispered to her. I smiled feebly at her as we stepped back from one another. Although I seemed content, I was crying hard now.

She smiled a little. "You deserve to go back home. Just don't forget about us."

For a minute, I panicked. Will what happened to my friends back in Korea happen to us?

"Never could I ever," I replied in a kind of trance, remembering the words I spoke only two or three years ago. "Promise you won't forget about me." Like they did.

"Never ever."

"I love you, Sarah."

"And I love you."

We hugged once more, took a photo together, and I was on my way to the old playground across from the grocery store. Jay was there waiting for me, he sat on a swing, mindlessly swinging back and forth, head down. I could tell he was deep in thought, and he didn't notice when I approached him, taking a seat on the swing beside him.

"Hey." My eyes were still puffy, and I wasn't sure if I had any more tears in me.

He looked up, startled, "Oh." He gave me a small smile. "Hey."

For a while we were quiet, the only sound to be heard was the light rustle of the tree leaves in the soft wind and the slight creaks coming from the rusty swings. He stopped swinging, and I did too, knowing he was ready to speak.

"Listen," He locked his blue eyes with my brown ones, so much emotion behind them, and his pupils were slightly dilated.

"Yeah?" I urged him to continue, looking away from him. Sometimes when you look into someone's eyes for too long, you get lost in everything they feel. You wonder if they're even real. And it's scary.

Jay sighed. "I know this might be the last thing you want to hear before you go. But... I really like you. And..." I swallowed nervously, my hands sweating on the chains of the swing, and I continued to avert my gaze anywhere else. "I know."

At that, I looked at him, eyes pleading with him to truly understand.

"I know it's different for you," he continued, "I know I like you more than you like me, and I will continue to work on it. You never told us what happened back in Korea, and you don't have to tell me, but I understand it's hard. I'm not asking you to be my girlfriend. I'm not asking for you to risk living happily and finding friends in Korea. I could never ask that."

I smiled a little at him, biting my lip to stop from crying again.

"Hell. I'm so happy for you, Miyeong. Don't be sad. Use this as an opportunity. You get to go home. I can't imagine what it feels like to be so far from where you're from," He smiled at me. "I'm proud of you." He stood up, holding his arms out to me, and I jumped up to hug him.

"I love you, Jay," and he knew what I meant.

"And me to you."

I stepped back, wiping my tears. "Well. This is where we part, I guess. I'll text you when I land, okay? Don't let Sarah go too crazy. Don't do anything dumb, and do what you love. For me, tell your dad you don't want to be a doctor. Okay? Please."

He nodded, chuckling. "Okay. In exchange, you do me a favor."

"Mhm?"

"Never miss an opportunity. Stop holding yourself back. Live a happy life in Korea, and don't worry about us. Miss us, but don't worry, and we'll do the same."

And he waved to me before we began walking in opposite directions.

We'd all be okay.