Should've Held Onto You (CHA EUNWOO)

36 - Dead

"I'm so excited, you're going to look so pretty, Miyeong!" Sumi squealed as we exited the dress boutique.

Swinging the bag in my hand, I replied, "Well, so will you. I told you red was your color!"

We were headed to a cafe near us, needing coffee after hours of dress shopping, not caring that is was well into the afternoon.

The bell rang above our heads as we entered. Sumi thanked me as I held the door open for her. We quickly ordered and took a seat near the back. The place was near empty.

"You're going to knock Eunwoo's pants off.." Sumi said quietly.

With raised eyebrows, voice raising up in pitch, I responded, "I think you mean socks!"

"No, I meant pants," Sumi laughed loudly, and I smacked her arm from across the table playfully.

"About that.." I frowned. "I think we should all go as a group."

"What?! But- You and Eunwoo are, like, a thing now, right?" Sumi looked at me with wide eyes.

I gave her a sad smile. "Well, not yet, but it doesn't matter. I just want to have a good time with my friends."

"Look, if this is about me and my broken heart, I don't want that to stop you from pursuing something with the guy you've liked for all eternity," She gave a look.

"It doesn't matter," I repeated, "I just want to go together. Why does anyone need a date? It's just a dance. It'll be more fun if we all go together."

"You promised you'd go with Eunwoo!" She whined.

"I promised I'd go with Dongmin if you went with Bin," I said quietly. "Things have changed."

"Ouch," She put a hand to her heart.

"You know I didn't mean anything by it.."

"I know.." She sighed. "God, this sucks. These stupid feelings. I know I'll get over it.. I know I already am, but it hurts, you know?" Sumi looked up at me, eyes pleading for happiness and a sad smile on her lips, as if she were holding back tears. She gave a sarcastic laugh while sitting up, a way of shaking it off.

"Hey," I said, "You don't have to do any of this alone. It's going to suck, life is full of sucky moments. But you'll arise victorious, and you'll wonder why you ever liked him in the first place."

"Yeah, I know." It was silent for a moment as we both gazed out the cafe windows. "I remember you asked me how long I'd liked him, and I didn't really know. I think I know now. When we were in junior high, I got sick and stayed home from school. I told you all not to worry about me, the flu was going around. But Bin showed up at my door that day with one armful of movies and the other full of Kleenex and ice cream. We watched about half a movie before we just talked.. He told me a lot. A lot about him and how he really feels and how he loves you. I realized that it hurt, and I realized that after all these years I really did crave his attention and that it felt amazing to have someone just want to talk to me.. But he talked about you. I realized that I wanted him to love me just like he loves you." I watched a tear roll down her cheek, and she hurried to wipe it away.

"Have you ever considered.. that maybe you wanted him to love you just to know what that felt like?.. That you didn't really like him..?" I asked warily. I didn't want her to get the wrong idea.

"Yeah.." She sighed again. "I'm still figuring that part out. The truth is, as much as I love you, I get jealous a lot. And that's not your fault, don't feel bad! But you have Eunwoo and Moonbin- even Jay.. I just want someone, you know?"

I reached across the table to give her hand a squeeze, and she gave another sad smile. "No matter what happens, my best friend always come first, okay?" When she didn't reply, I asked louder, "Okay?"

With a genuine laugh through her tears, she replied with a nod, "Okay!"

"Great. Now we're going to all go to the formal as a group, we're going to look great, and we're going to have so much fun. And you're not going to give a shit about Bin for that day, because you're going to look great, and he'll see what he's missing," I grinned, and she tried, but failed, to hold one back.

"Thank you, Miyeong."

——-

As I was exiting the elevator, about to enter my apartment, my phone began ringing. Juggling my school bag and my shopping bag in one hand, I reached into my back pocket for my phone.

Sarah's calling? It's super late there..

I answered the phone, confused, trying to get my key out at the same time. "Hello?" I answered in English.

"Miyeong, we have a problem," Her voice came through seriously, and I swear I heard her crying.

I immediately stopped everything. "What do you mean? Sarah, what's wrong?"

"... Collin's d-dead.."

My bags slipped from my hands, falling on the floor with a thump. My body followed soon after. I could barely hear her as I slumped against the hallway wall.

"They got a call that he was in critical condition, that his vitals dropped immensely overnight.. I-I didn't know it was this bad. Jay asked me to come to the hospital, but by time I g-got here.. He was already gone.."

Collin's.. dead?

"Miyeong? Are you there?"

"Ne.. I mean, yeah I'm here.. Oh my god," I put my hand to my head, not being able to think straight. "How is Jay?" I asked, biting my lip in an attempt not to cry. I didn't know Collin for that long, but I'm the times where he was home, it was obvious how much he cared about his family, about Jay. Jay needed someone like that in his life, especially with his parents not supporting him. When someone you care about loses someone they cared about so much, it hits you too.

"He's.." She sniffled, "He's not doing anything." Her voice dropped, as if she didn't want people to hear. "His parents have been a wreck, obviously, and so have I, b-but Jay's just sitting here without doing anything. I'm scared, Miyeong. I'm going to be here for him, but I'm scared."

"God.." I felt so bad. I wasn't there. Jay's brother is dead, and I'm not there. "Can I talk to him..?" I asked warily. I didn't know what was best for him right now.

I vaguely heard her ask softly, "Jay, do you want to talk to Miyeong?"

When there wasn't a reply, I felt a tear slide down my cheek.

I never did fall asleep that night.

When the sun came up, a text tone pulled me out from the petrified state I was in. My eyes slowly met the screen.

StillSarah: jay's in the hospital, call me when you can

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A/N- I didn't realize how emotional this chapter would be whooooops