Inside | Shane Harte

34 | Throwback

"Mum! Hello, what are you doing?" Cora asks desperately. I realise that she has passed out again and dad immediately calls for an ambulance. I statedly shake my head, looking into the ground. My mum has been ill a very long time now, but she finally got to come home last week since the doctors thought she was doing better. Apparently she's not.

I sigh as I ride in the ambulance with her. The paramedics give her medicine and it doesn't take long before she wakes up again. Her pale, thin body finally makes a movement and her beautiful, green eyes turn to me. The once bright, happy eyes have turned dark without any life ignition at all in them.

"Shay-Shay? Are you there?" she asks with a hoarse, weak voice.

"Yes mum, I'm here. I will always be here" I appeal, my eyes watering. "I will always be here..."

We finally arrive to the all too known hospital where mum gets her own room, as usual. Me, dad and Cora have to stay outside in a waiting room since the doctors need space to care for her.

"I have to study" I say after we've been waiting for what feels like an hour.

"You are 3 weeks ahead, son. Take it easy and relax" dad says and I sigh.

"Okay then" I say and tilt back in the chair I'm sitting in. I watch as ordinary people walk past us in the hallway, talking about their day and what they are doing during christmas this year.

Sometimes a few doctors in white clothing walk by as well, giving me a small smile on their way. Unable to smile back, I give them a 'forgive me-look' before looking down at the floor.

"When do we get to meet her, dad?" Cora asks.

"I don't know darling, the doctors will tell us when we are allowed to enter her room" he says while holding a bouquet of roses tightly between his hands. He nervously picks at the thorns, indicating that this time is different. The situation is different.

Suddenly, the door to mum's room opens and a doctor walks out.

"Hello, you are Mary Harte's family right?"

"Yes we are" dad says and stands up from his seat.

"Okay, you can come in and see her now. Just remember that she is extremely tired and has got some trouble breathing at the moment. Take it slow and let her get used to her condition before talking too much to her"

"O-okay, of course" he says and walks into the room with me and Cora close behind him.

Mum is laying in her bed with cables running all over her chest, face and arms. An oxygen mask is covering her nose and mouth completely. The tired and worn out look on her face brightens if only for a little bit when she sees us walking into the room. We form a circle around the edges of her bed.

"How are you doing, darling?" Stefan asks with a low voice while grabbing her hand.

"Better" she whispers, suddenly grabbing my hand. "I want to talk to you, baby"

"Okay" I smile a little while turning to dad and Cora. "Do you mind?"

"No, of course not. We'll be outside" he says while standing up. Cora follows him silently as he walks out of the room, closing the door after themselves.

"Listen to me" she whispers and pauses for a few seconds, struggling to breathe properly. "I want you to apply for that music academy we talked about after graduating high school"

"No way, it will only remind me of you and I would never be able to live through that" I refuse, and her face falls a little. "I've already told you that I'm not going"

"But Shane, please-" she starts but I interrupt her with a slightly higher voice.

"No! My answer is no, then it's fucking no!" I shout and storm towards the door.

"You've never sworn before..." she  try to talk louder, but it comes out as a weep instead. I open the door, leave the room and storm by the confused faces of dad and Cora.

I can't tell why I'm so mad about it. Maybe it's the fact that she's constantly reminded me of it, or the fact that I really want to go to that school but I know I can't. I've never been this mean to anyone before. I've never sworn, never raised my voice. Now I just did, to the one person I love the most. Nobody has said it out loud yet, but I know she won't win. She won't beat the cancer that's eating her alive.

Maybe that's why I'm mad. It's not fair that my mum, the woman that's always been there for me and supported me in my musical dreams, are going way too early. The thought of living without her makes me want to die. I want to take her place instead.

If I only could.

But what am I still doing out here? I should go back in there and apologize like the orderly person I am. It's not like me to act like this.

On the way back I decide to buy a chocolate bar from one of the vending machines standing by a reception. I eventually choose a snickers, mum's favourite. She always forgives me when I bring her one. I find myself smiling when thinking back to the good old days. She could be irritated if I didn't clean my room when she told me to, but if I gave her a snickers she would always forgive me.

Apparently I was a longer way from her room than I thought, since the walk back take a good few minutes. When I finally reach the right corridor I see doctors running everywhere. I walk closer to see that dad and Cora are nowhere to be found, and mum's room is where the doctors are heading.

I start running and when I finally reach the room it's filled with doctors. I manage to push my way inside for a few seconds but gets kicked out instantly by a doctor.

"What's happening? Why are everyone here?" I ask frantically, looking around myself for my family. Nobody answers my questions but eventually dad and Cora are pushed out from the room as well. Suddenly, I notice a continuous beeping sound, indicating the one thing that could never happen...

My eyes widen and I feel the panic gather in my whole body. The world around me changes into slow motion, and I drop the snickers I'm holding tightly to the ground. The world goes back to a normal pase and I try to force myself inside mum's room. The ear-piercing beep continues to sound louder and louder as I hopelessly try to get in. I turn around to dad and Cora whom's faces have dropped completely.

"What's going on? Dad, what's happening?" I ask frantically, hyperventilating. "Why won't they let me in to see her? I have to get in!"

"Shane, I'm so sorry, but your mother is-"

"NO! NO SHE IS NOT! I HAVE TO SAY SORRY FIRST! I HAVE TO SAY GOODBYE!" I scream at the top of my lungs, my hands shaking.

"Take it easy, son, and just breathe" he says, tears rolling down his cheek. Cora's fallen to the ground crying and all I can feel is extreme anger. I push dad to the side and run out of the hospital as fast as I can, not knowing where to go or what to do with myself.

I'm living a nightmare that I know will never end.