Wounded

Chapter 5

That night, I ignored Luke completely when he came into our room. I knew he was upset with me for shutting myself up inside out room, but I just couldn't seem to make anyone happy anymore. I was either making my bullies angry or disappointing my family. Honestly, I didn't know how to stop messing everything up around me.

To make things worse, Dylan had been texting me randomly and telling me about how much of a mistake I truly was. The funny thing is that we used to be friends before the Janoskians started. Then one day, he started insulting me on a regular basis and when I confronted him he punched me in the stomach. Luke was always curious about why I stopped hanging out with Dylan, but I never actually told him what was going on. My problems were my problems, and I didn't want to involve anyone else in them.

I tossed and turned, not being able to get comfortable. That's what I get though, I realized. I was mean to my Mum and Luke, all in a few hours. Beau was probably still mad at me, but I couldn't stop that. He was stressed out because he graduated this year, and I was only making everything harder for him.

I slowly crept out of my bed, trying my hardest not to wake Luke. I needed some air and I didn't need him asking questions. I hurriedly grabbed some shoes and closed the door softly behind me. I was grounded, so technically I wasn't supposed to be doing what I was doing. I didn't care, though. I was absolutely suffocating. I heard my stomach growl, but chose to ignore it. I just wanted to leave and come back before anyone noticed I was gone.

I crept through the living room and out the front door. It was cold and I was only wearing my pajamas, but if anything that was only a good thing. I was sick of being hurt both physically and mentally. I was just extremely depressed anymore, and I hated it. I felt a raindrop hit my head just before the first tear fell.

At this point, I was almost drowning inside my sadness. I was alone with it after successfully pushing everyone away. I had no choice, though. I had to push people away. No one could ever find out how pathetic I truly am.

I walked around aimlessly for another half-hour, crying in the pouring rain. It was the middle of the night anf it was raining, so it was impossible for anyone that happened to see me to notice my tears.

I regretfully started to walk back home. I didn't want to go back to a house where I was a burden for everyone living there. My poor mum had to work constantly just to support us, yet I had the nerve to talk to her like that. Beau struggled to fit school in with his responsibility of making sure Luke and I were okay, but I always caused trouble for him instead of showing my appreciation instead. Luke had to live with the fact that he looked like me. I was always messing something up or being a complete embarrassment, and since I had the same face as him, my mistakes were reflected back to him.

I hesitated a moment before opening the door and quietly slipping inside. Not even a minute later, the lights flicked on revealing the furious face of my mother. I thought I had been extra quiet, but apparently she had found out anyway.

"Where were you!?" She demanded an explanation angrily. I gulped. I couldn't tell her I had went on a walk so I could cry in peace, without anyone suspecting a thing. She would just get concerned, and that was the last thing I wanted.

"I couldn't sleep, so I went to get some fresh air." I said. Technically, I wasn't lying. I did need some fresh air, but not solely for that reason. That explanation was good enough for her, though. Her facial features immediately softened, as she gestirsx for me to come hug her.

"Jai, I know you didn't mean any harm, but you technically are grounded." She sighed. "That means I'll be taking your Xbox now."

"Ok." I didn't put up any type of argument with her, causing her to give me a strange look.

"No fight?" She questioned before taking a closer look at me. "Are you wet?"

"Yeah, it started raining." I explained, causing her to click her tongue in disapproval.

"Why couldn't I have had daughters instead of angsty teenage boys?" She sighed dramatically while pinching the bridge of her nose. "Clothes off and in the shower, right now! The last thing I need is you catching a cold!"

I do as I was told and went to take a shower while my mum went back to bed. The warm water was soothing, and I hadn't even realized how cold I was until I had warmed up.

After stepping out of the shower, I caught my reflection in the mirror. Once again I was reminded of how much of a screw-up I really was. I was disgusting and in this moment I could honestly say I looked nothing like Luke. He wouldn't have let himself become this pathetic. I slid down to the floor before noticing something on the floor.

My razor had fallen and the plastic had broken around the blades. I bit my lip as I got an idea. I had never really understood self-harm, but I was low enough that I would literally try anything. I reasoned that cutting could give me some sort of control in my spiraling life. That's what led me to picking up that blade and slicing through my wrist with it.

At first, I couldn't actually believe what I had done. But, it slowly started to become real to me as my wrist started throbbing slightly and the small trickle of blood stopped.

I had self-harmed and I didn't regret it.