Wounded

Chapter 9

I stared hard at my bowl of soggy cereal. This is what my life had become. Everything was falling around me, and my life had basically gone completely downhill. No matter what I did, I couldn't find joy anymore. My Mum thinks I'm a liar. Luke thinks I'm a jerk. James is angry with me. Beau....

Beau is upset because of me.

Since that day I was sick, I've been flinching away from his touch and avoiding him at all costs. He notices every time, too. Then, the look he gives me afterwards makes me want to cut even more than I already do. But it's my own fault. Everything is my fault.

-

"Okay, Jai! This has gone on long enough!" Luke yelled angrily at me as he stormed into the kitchen. I dropped my spoon into my bowl of soggy cereal and looked at him in confusion.

"What has Luke?" I asked more confused than ever. Luke's eye twitched at my question.

"Beau honestly thinks you're afraid of him!" Luke yelled, catching me by surprise. "I don't know what you're putting on this extra shy boy routine, but it had better stop. Beau does so much for us. You should never treat him the way you've been treating him."

"I'm sorry..." I mumbled, but that only caused Luke to get even angrier.

"You're sorry? If you were then you'd be saying that to Beau and not me! At least speak up! I swear, Jai! You have a voice, so use it!" Luke yelled, causing me to violently flinch back in response. My flinching caused my elbow to hit my soggy bowl of cereal and cause it to go flying and splash all over Luke's shirt. I smiled at my twin nervously, but once again I only succeeded in making him angry.

Luke let out an angry scream before grabbing me by the shoulders and slamming me into the near-by wall. I squeezed my eyes shut in response, just wanting it to be over quickly. It seemed like I just couldn't go a single day without getting beat up by someone. I hated that. Tears started to flow from my eyes before Luke even had the chance to punch me. It was inevitable, though. I was merely a punching bag.

"Hey! What do you two think you're doing! Luke, let go of him, right now!" Beau yelled, the screaming likely alerting him to our fight. Like a switch was turned on, Luke immediately let go of me before taking a step back and ruffling his hair nervously.

"Sorry, Jai." Luke chuckled nervously. "I let my anger get the best of me again."

"S'okay..." I mumbled, backing away from my twin. Honestly, I have never been afraid of Luke before. However, what just happened made it clear just how easily he could hurt me if he really wanted to. That terrified me on a whole new level. I watched a look pass through Luke's eyes as he took a step towards me. I took two steps backwards in response.

"Jai?" Beau asked. "Are you okay? I know there's something going on, but I can't fix it unless you tell me what it is!"

"I-I can't tell you Beau." I admitted, looking away from my brothers. Luke narrowed his eyes at me, obviously seeing right through my words.

"You can't or you won't?" Luke asked suspiciously.

"I can't because there's nothing to tell!" I explained, raising my voice. "I just want everyone to leave me alone. Is that so wrong?"

"It is when you're suddenly terrified of me." Beau stated. Luke and I both turned to look at him. This was the first time Beau had ever said something to me about the way I've been acting around him.

"I'm not terrified of you!" I scoffed. Luke dramatically rolled his eyes at me while Beau's expression became grim.

"What do you call flinching away from me and avoiding me, then? Because at this point I don't know what to think."

"I-" my voice caught in my throat, unable to form any type of response. I had no excuse.

"Well, answer him Jai? I'm dying to know that, too!" Luke spoke up, glaring at me.

"Neither of you would understand." I finally said after a moment, refusing to make eye contact with either one. "I'll be fine. I just keep getting lost in thought. No big deal."

"Great. My baby brother hates me!" Beau gasped, before storming out of the room in tears. Luke shot me another glare and then followed him out of the room. I was taken by surprise. I had never seen Beau cry before. It just didn't happen. He was always the one making sure Luke and I were okay.

I walked to the bathroom in a haze. I had made Beau cry and to me that was unforgivable. I quickly locked myself in the bathroom as soon as I reached it. I needed to do this quickly in case someone came looking for me.

I pulled out one of the blades I kept hidden and rolled up my sleeve. I hacked away at my wrists repeatedly, but it wasn't enough. I lowered my pants to the floor and started to mutilate my thighs, next.

When it was finally enough, I got a washcloth out and cleaned up my arms and thighs. That's when I noticed what I had unconsciously done. On one of my thighs I had carved the word 'mistake' and on the other thigh I had carved the word 'damaged'.

Those two simple words really stood out to me. Probably because they were two words that described me better than anything else could. Not only was I a mistake, but I was a mistake that had been damaged beyond repair. Truthfully, I don't think anything could ever fix me. This was just who I was.

A damaged mistake.