Wounded

Chapter 33

So I saw a comment on the Janoskians latest video that was absolutely disgusting. This girl claimed that Jai really was self-harming and that he needed to hurry up and kill himself. She also said that the reason Luke took so long editing was because he had to cut around Jai being depressed and Jai's scars. It was horrible and disgusting. That is never okay to say about anyone.

It had been weeks since I had come home from the hospital. It had also been weeks since the last time Luke talked to me. I didn't mind, though. I liked being alone. This wAs what I deserved after all. I had made everyone's lives miserable since I started this, so now I'm receiving my punishment.

No one ever talked to me anymore, but I saw their stares and heard their whispers. I noticed all of it. Even if they thought I was too self-absorbed to notice.

"-seriously isn't healthy for Luke, though."

That caught my attention. I peeked through the doorway of the kitchen to see Beau and James leaning against the counter talking and drinking beer.

"What am I supposed to do, James!?" Beau questioned in a low, heartbreaking voice. "I have to be there for Jai right now. I shouldn't be focusing on Luke as much as I have, anyway."

"Beau it's not your fault." James said with authority in his tone. That made me curious. What wasn't his fault?

"But he almost died."

And that's when it hit me. Beau blamed himself for me getting hit by that car. It wasn't Beau's fault, but I could see why he was blaming himself. I had gotten hit by the car right after we got in that stupid argument.

"Don't worry about Jai so much, okay? He's not your only priority. You do what you have to. Jai can take care of himself."

"But...." I felt my heart rate skyrocket as my oldest brother trailed off.

"But, What?" James asked after a moment.

"What if he kills himself?"

"Then it wouldn't exactly be your fault now would it? Luke is hurting more than anything right now."

I guess you're right...." Beau sighed, causing my heart to completely shatter. I felt hot tears start to roll down my cheeks before I could stop them. I didn't want to listen to the rest of their conversation, but I needed to. I needed to hear what my brother and ex-best friend thought of me. I felt so guilty knowing that I had caused them to hate me. It was my fault and no one else's.

I rushed back up the stairs to my room. Closing and locking my door behind me, I began to pace around anxiously. This was my fault. And now everyone hated me. I didn't know what to do now. Everyone hated me and I didn't know how I could handle that.

I needed to cut.

I wanted to cut more than anything else in the entire world, but somehow I just knew that that wasn't happening tonight. Daniel had gone through the entire house while I was in the hospital and hidden anything remotely sharp. Even if I just wanted to shave, I had to go to Beau's room and use his electric razor. They didn't trust me anymore and I was suffocating because of it.

I ran over to my window and looked down. Maybe I could sneak out if I was extremely careful. I opened my window and had both feet out it when I heard my bedroom door open.

"Hey Jai, Beau said that you need to come down for....WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Luke yelled. At first I wasn't sure why he was so angry and then it clicked. This probably looked bad, like I was about to jump bad.

"It's not what it looks like Luke. I was trying to sneak out without Beau or James seeing me." I explained hurriedly. Luke nodded his head but I could tell that he didn't believe me.

"Sounds reasonable,only I know you better than that Jai." Luke explained, matter o factly. "What I don't understand is why you keep doing this to us. Do you hate us that much?

"No, Luke. I don't hate you guys."

"Then, Why Jai? Why do you keep doing this?"

"It's not you I hate. It's myself." I whispered, hoping that Luke didn't hear me. I wasn't as lucky as I hoped to be though.

"What did you just say?" Luke asked, furrowing his eyebrows in confusion.

"Nothing, just forget it." I went to leave my room, but Luke grabbed my arm hard keeping me in place.

"It's not nothing. It sounded like you just said you hated yourself."

"Please, just drop it Luke." I begged.

"No, Jai. We need to solve this problem. We have a big one and it needs to be fixed. Now explain."

"Luke..."

"Now, Jai."

"It's just..." I took a deep breath. "Everyone else seems to hate me. The bullies from school, haters, Mum."

"Jai, Mum does not hate you. And who cares what the haters think? They don't matter. Just be yourself Jai. You're my twin and an awesome one at that."

"I told Mum I was depressed and she told me to grow up."

"Jai, I'm sorry Mum did that but I promise you she doesn't hate you. In fact, she even regrets doing that."

"But-"

"No buts Jai. It's time to let yourself heal."

Let myself heal? Could I even do that at this point? So much had happened that I couldn't change. How could I ever heal knowing that? I was skeptical, yes, but Luke seemed to sense that and locked eyes with me. In that moment I just knew. I knew I could heal as long as I let myself. Maybe it was time to try after all.

-end-