Wounded

Chapter 19

When I walked back in my grandparents' house, everyone was happily watching old Italian movies and none the wiser to the fact that I just almost attempted suicide. They were just as happy as I left them, if not happier.

Who knows? Maybe James had called Luke after all and they were all just basking in the thought of life without me. They would definitely be happier without me there to mess everything up.

Why would anyone actually need me anyways? There was a better copy walking around, and he wouldn't ever let down the people I have. I was the mistake that couldn't stop messing things up if he tried.

I let out a sigh. It hurt so much knowing that things were like this, and that they would never get better. I wasn't stupid. People always say that things will get better. It's never true, though. Things don't get better. You just get better at letting life walk all over you.

"Oh, Jai. You're back." Luke spoke up from the couch almost sounding like he was disappointed. I glanced at him to see that he was frowning. I felt a stab of pain at the realization that he didn't want me here. My own twin hated me and wanted me out of the picture.

"Yeah. I'm back." I said monotonously. I walked over to the couch and sat down next to him, causing him to scoot away from me. That hurt even more.

"Did you have a nice walk, dear?" Nonna asked. I nodded my head in response.

"Yeah, I just really needed some fresh air." I smiled at her. She nodded her head before focusing her attention back on the movie. Soon, she started to nod off. Nonno was already sleeping in his recliner, so that left just Luke and I awake.

"She fell asleep fast." Luke chuckled, more to himself than to me.

"Yep." I agreed anyways. Luke glanced at me for a moment before looking away. I could tell he wanted to say something to me, I just didn't know what.

"Is something wrong, Luke?" I asked gently.

"Gee, I don't know, Jai!" Luke laughed sarcastically. "You've only been gone for about five hours!"

"Was it really that long?" I asked, skeptically.  I knew I was gone for a while, but I didn't think it was that long.

"Yep, not that you care. I swear, you're so selfish!

"Stop saying that!" I raised my voice, causing Nonna to stir. "You're always calling me selfish, but it's not true."

"Whatever you say!" Luke scoffed. "Although, with how you've been treating everyone lately that's kind of hard to believe."

"Luke, you don't have any idea what you're talking about, so just stop." I huffed, causing Luke to roll his eyes at me. It was true. Luke didn't know and didn't care about what was going on with me. He just judged me based on what was right in front of him, and sometimes I really hated him for that.

"I'm going to bed." Luke announced getting up and walking to our room.

"Wait, I'll come with you. I'm tired, too." I announced, getting up to follow him. Luke rolled his eyes at me and didn't even bother to wait for me.

"Whatever." Luke sighed, walking faster away from me. I felt a tear well up in my eye. I was sick of fighting. No matter what I did, it seemed like I just couldn't be good enough for anyone.

"Luke...please..." I whispered. Luke couldn't hear me, though, he was already gone. The tears started to pour out as I slid down to the floor and curled up against the wall. I could have died tonight, but I didn't. The fact that the one person that hates me more than anyone else cared enough to stop me more than my own twin hurt more than anything else that could have possibly happened.

I couldn't take it anymore. I needed to cut. I figured I should be good. My grandparents were sleeping and Luke had just walked into our room to go to sleep. It wasn't likely that anyone would find out. Resolved to what I was about to do, I pulled out the spare blade I kept in my phone case.

It was so tempting to just take this dangerous piece of metal and slice through a vein, ending my life. I knew I couldn't. Not yet and not here. I couldn't do something like that in the hallway of my grandparents' house while everyone was sleeping. It just felt wrong. Like I was doing it because of them. Honestly, they were some of the few people who actually still cared about me.

I brought the blade down to my wrist and applied pressure, dragging it across my arm. I watched, mesmerized, as the blood started to pool across my arm. This is what I wanted. It was what I needed.

Somehow, it felt different. I didn't feel that instant moment of relief I usually felt whenever I cut in the past.

I immediately ripped my bracelets off and started to cut more. It still wasn't enough. Even when my entire arm was covered in blood, I couldn't stop. I needed more. I needed to numb my feelings. If I couldn't feel anything, then I couldn't get hurt.

Eventually I blacked out.