Wounded

Chapter 31

"Hey Jai Jai." Beau greeted me with a sad smile as he walked into my hospital room. I nodded sadly at him. There was just way too much going on at one time and I didn't know if I could handle it or not. Luke had given up on me and that hurt much more than the bullies fists ever did. He was my twin brother, the one person that would always be in my life, and now he was gone. I didn't know what to do.

"What are you thinking about?" Beau interrupted my thoughts. I glanced at him, wondering if I could really tell my oldest brother what I was thinking. Beau and I had never been extremely close, and our relationship had only gotten worse during the past year. I couldn't trust him, but that wasn't his fault. It was 100% mine.

"Luke hates me now." I mumbled out against my better judgement, as more tears flooded my eyes. "He hates me, Beau, and I just don't think I can live like that!"

"Don't even say it, Jai! Just don't say it!" Beau yelled angrily. "I don't even know where to begin." Beau let out a deep sigh. "The doctors found so many scars on your body, Jai. I don't even know what to think about that. Is that why you've been so distant lately? Is it why you've constantly been lashing out at everyone?"

"Beau, you wouldn't even begin to understand."

"Then help me!" Beau raised his voice angrily again. "I'm trying to understand, Jai. After all, I was the one who always defended you whenever the other three boys said you were being too moody to film a quality video. I was the one that told them off whenever they wanted to exclude you from everything. I was the one that begged Luke not to give up on you time and time again. The sad part is, you're so selfish that you don't even care."

"I do care, Beau." I whispered back to him after his huge outburst.

"Then, why? Why cut yourself like this Jai? Why shut everyone out instead of getting the help you need?"

"It's hard to ask for help when you just really want to die and get it over with." I burst out, taking Beau back with surprise. I regretted it immediately after I said it, but I knew it was something that needed to be said.

"You don't mean that, Jai."

"I do mean it, Beau! I want to die. I'm sick of living and I just want to die! I even wish that car would have killed me. Everyone would have been so much better off without me, so why not, Beau? All I ever do is screw things up anyways! We can't even film a halfway decent video anymore because I'm way too depressed to try. You know why, Beau? Because I have given up. I gave up on myself a long time ago, and now it's time everyone else did as well. I'm a mistake and I need to die!"

I felt the slap across my face without ever seeing it coming.

"Don't you dare ever say that again, Jai!" Beau screamed, grabbing me by my hospital gown and shaking me to get his point across. "You're my baby brother and I love you, so I'm not going to let you do this to yourself. If I ever hear you talking like that about yourself ever again I swear it won't be pretty! I swear I cant even look at you right now!"

And for the second time that day, I watched one of my brothers storm out of my hospital room. I could only blame myself, though. I had caused all of these problems simply because I wasn't strong enough to end it all when I had the chance to.

The tears started to flow faster than I could stop them. Everything was my fault. The fact that I had no friends. The fact that both of my brothers hated me now, too. The fact that my Mum never truly loved me. It was all my fault because I just wasn't strong enough. I was weak and pathetic and a waste of space that needed to disappear. That much was clear to me, but at this point disappearing wasn't an option for me. I had ran out of options and there wasn't anything I could do about that now.