Wounded

Chapter 30

Beep. Beep. Beep.

I should be dead right now, but based on the beeping I hear I know that I'm alive and in a hospital. That's just great. I let out a sigh as I struggled to force my eyes open. I was immediately shocked by the sight of chocolate brown hair that I'm all too familiar with, laying on my shoulder. I was surprised to see my twin. After everything I had put him through, how could he still love me? I wasn't worth his love and I never would be.

I felt a small tear trail down my face. I didn't know who I was anymore and that wasn't okay. I could hurt myself just fine, but what I couldn't live with was hurting the people I cared about. Anymore, it seemed like that was exactly what I was always doing. Luke was stressed out to the point of being on the verge of a panic attack. Mum and I hadn't spoken since I left Australia, and I honestly didn't know what hurt more. The fact that she didn't care enough to call me and try to make up, or the fact that she didn't care. Then there was Beau. Towards the beginning, before I had really started to get bad, I had hurt Beau worse than anyone else. Yet, here my oldest brother was trying to fix everything. Even though, I was a lost cause, he never gave up on me.

Or so I thought.

Because here I was laying in a hospital bed with no Beau in sight.

///

"Jai, you're awake!" Luke exclaimed mid-yawn as he woke up from his nap. As soon as he lifted his head off my shoulder, my whole side erupted with fiery hot pain. I was used to pain so I somehow managed to keep my reaction to a minimum.

"Lukey, where's Beau?" I asked with a small hiss of pain. Luke's face turned sheet white as he mulled over my question. Based on his face, I knew I wouldn't like his answer. "Just say it Luke. I promise you I can handle whatever it is."

"The doctors..." Luke trailed off before letting out a large sigh. "They found your scars, all of them, so I Beau had to talk to them about it."

"No..." I whispered more to myself than to Luke. Luke heard me though and shot me a tiny smile before taking on a more serious look to his face.

"You lied to me Jai. You told me that you stopped cutting, but you didn't did you? The doctors found fresh cuts on your arm, so don't even bother trying to lie to me."

"Luke I'm sorry." He turned his head away from me.

"I'm glad you're alive right now, Jai, but I don't think I can handle getting involved again." Luke said with a grimace. My eyes widened at what I thought my twin brother was implying.

"What's that supposed to mean, Luke." I asked timidly, not wanting to hear his answer.

"You know what it means, Jai. I need some space away from you right now. You betrayed my trust, so now I can't trust you. I don't want to do this to you Jai, but right now I have to.

///

Do you know what hurts more than your mother refusing to say goodbye to you when you're moving to a entirely different continent? It's watching your twin brother, the one person who you've always had as a constant in your life, give up on you.

It hurts more than cutting ever did. Especially, knowing that Luke was so mad at me that he needed space. To top it all off, I am the person solely responsible for this. I've ruined my life and the only person I can blame is myself. In fact, as I watched Luke walk out of my hospital room, I couldn't help but finally let the tears run freely. I was the one at fault. I had destroyed my family's happiness and there was nothing I could do to fix this.

I was all alone for the first time in my life, and there was nothing that I could do to fix this. I had failed everyone around me, but most of all, I had failed myself and now I had to live with that.