Wounded

Chapter 23

"I can't tell you!"

A tense silence filled the air as Luke took in the words I had just screamed at him. I but my lip nervously before bringing my hand down to dig into the scarred flesh of my forearm. I already knew Luke would be mad at me for not telling him the truth.

"Honestly Jai," Luke sighed. "What's so bad that you can't tell me of all people? You can trust me with anything, don't you know that?"

"But that's just it, Luke! I can't tell you anything!" Luke flinched back at my words, as if they had slapped him in the face. Honestly, they probably did. I didn't regret saying them, though. It was the truth. Luke would never understand what I go through on a daily basis. He's the strong twin and I'm the weak twin. That the way it's always been and that's never going to change no matter how hard I try to better myself. Luke is always going to be the one people admire while I'm trapped in his shadow.

"Really?" Luke was angry now. "I tell you everything and you still don't trust me?"

"You don't tell me everything, Luke, that would be Beau you tell everything to." I scoffed.

"What's that supposed to mean?" He demanded.

"It means you think I never notice how you guys are always hanging out and doing things together, but for some reason I'm never invited to join you guys. Do you even realize what that's like? Being the outcast all of the time? No, you don't. Because you're the twin everyone respects and I'm the twin that was a mistake and should have never been born. It's bad enough at school, but to just come home and experience it too is even worse. It hurts, Luke. It really does." I ranted, suddenly angry and not thinking about my words. Luke stared at me stunned. Then again, I had never revealed that much about my feelings to anyone before.

"Jai, are you jealous of Beau?" Luke asked. If I could slap myself in the face right now, I would. Of course, I would reveal something so important to Luke and he wouldn't notice at all. I felt my eyes burn at the sudden frustration and powerlessness I felt. Luke didn't care. He truly didn't care.

"No, I would never be jealous of Beau. Things aren't that simple, Luke." I sighed before turning to walk away before the tears could escape my eyes. It hurt so much to just have my problems reduced to nothing at all. This was why I wanted to die in the first place, and now I really regret not going through with it.

///

"Jai, have you seen Luke?" Beau asked, walking into my room without knocking for the millionth time. I looked up at him to see him looking back at me expectantly.

"Haven't seen him. Did you need someone? Maybe I can help." I offered. Beau frowned and shifted his eyes away from me, his mood changing almost immediately.

"Not really. I was going to see if Luke wanted to film this insane video idea I had with me. Thanks anyways, Jai." Beau faked a smile, and I felt all of my anger from earlier return full force.

"Am I really not good enough for you, Beau? I'm sorry I'm not Luke, but I'm still just as much your brother as he is! If you really hate me that much just tell me and I'll stay away!" I yelled, losing my temper quickly. Beau furrowed his eyebrows in confusion at my words, and I couldn't help but become even angrier. I'm sick of this. I'm sick of trying to fit in with a family that doesn't want me.

"I'm sorry, Jai, but I don't hate you." Beau said slowly, almost like he was talking to an injured animal. "I just didn't expect you to really be interested in filming with me."

"Cut the crap, Beau!" I groaned, angrily. "Everyone knows you love Luke more than me. I'm okay with that, but at least treat me like I matter to you. Just because I'm not Luke doesn't mean I'm not fun. I'm still your brother and....never mind. You don't care, anyways." I stopped myself mid-rant.

"Jai," Beau asked carefully. "Is something wrong with you. You're really starting to scare me."

"I-I...I'm fine, Beau." I stuttered, embarrassed by having two rants in one day. I was losing it and it was only a matter of time before I crashed completely.

"Jai, if something's wrong you need to tell me." Beau said, serious for a change.

"It's nothing Beau. Promise."

"Really, if it's nothing then why are you crying?" Beau asked, giving me a pointed look. I touched a hand up to my face and sure enough I had tears streaming down my face. I debated internally with myself. Should I tell Beau? Luke already knew and I should be able to trust Beau, but then again, it was Beau and I didn't want him to be ashamed of me. His opinion of me was too important to risk damaging any further.

"I'm just tired. That's all there is to it."