I'm Not Sure of My Feelings for You 2 (Harry Styles and Camila Cabello)

Chapter 81 Stubborn

   (Sunburn Ed Sheeran

   

    Something Great One Direction

    So Ed Sheeran)

I can sense what she is doing, its a weird feeling but I wouldn't trade it for the world. Two long damn years have passed and I still miss her, people tell me its unhealthy to live in the past...fuck them! They don't know what I'm going through, they don't understand!

I now live in the "slum" parts of Los Angeles, but its home...no memories of her are here...of us. You would think that the sun will be shining and that it would be warm, but when I moved here all I felt was cold. Everything and everyone is so damn cold, their hearts are cold.

It's my fault I let her go, but I can't change the past, I can live in it but can't change it. If i could at least relive the "nice" moments that we spent together, I would be happy, but as long as that doesn't happen here I sit...glum. For two years I have lived with guilt and hatred upon myself, and let me tell you it is not a pleasant feeling.

I have gotten a job at a recording studio, so I just sit around listening to lame ass people who think they have a chance to making it to "Hollywood", like it isn't fucking American Idol! It isn't a bad job I've actually made assistant manager, we are the largest music corporation in the country. So why don't I live in a mansion? I chose not to I had one in London, but I needed a new start, I obviously can afford one. Money as of now isn't important to me, if I need it I will use it but I'm alright at this time.

Tommorow my partner and I have to travel to the "beach part" of L.A to meet with a radio station, they want to interview us on our business and how it will be adding buildings in other parts of the country. It better be fast because I have business to attend to, and by business I mean a party. Niall and Tori have moved here too (they aren't apart of a fresh start) I kinda made them move, and they both really love it here. I've been jealous of Niall and I'm not afraid to admit it, because its true.

I have matured in a way, I don't wear a t-shirt and jeans that much anymore I wear khakis and polos, just for work. My hair is slicked back as usual, but a bit neater, I have taken my piercings out and,  surprisingly and thankfully they have closed. Don't worry I'm still a "badass", I just don't dress like one anymore. I haven't changed fully just my outer self, my inner self is still fucked up but I keep it quiet.

I've slept with a few girl's since, but none of them were like her. One relationship lasted three days before I got tired of her always putting her shopping before me, and taking my money. Cam isnt like other girls, she never was and never will be. That girl was and is special to me, her heart is different her ego isn't huge. Her eyes were mesmerizing, her hair is an ocean of brown, and her skin looks as if the sun kissed it.

Ugh! I just...I don't know. I haven't moved on and yet I have at the same time, it makes no sense but I can't do anything about it.  I know what she feels and I know what she doesn't, we have this connection that indescribable. Everything that has happened doesn't make sense to me, only that I lost the most special thing in my entire life, and I can't get it back.

I've changed for her, I breathe her even if she doesn't breathe me. Her heart is important...well was important in the relationship. She kept me grounded, and I have come to realize that she didn't want to change me she simply just wanted to fix my look on things.

Everywhere I turn her eyes are there stareing back at me, its a comforting yet unwanted feeling. I have tried multiple times to forget her but my brain and heart leads me back to her. I'm so pathetic that I brought the pillow she slept on, and keep it beside me when I sleep, its like she's with me. I've never been vulnerable but I haven't been numerous things until she came to me. There are many lies I could say to myself to make me believe that what I did was right, but I would just be fucking with myself even more than I already have.

I'm a fuck up and always will be, there is no shame in me saying that. She saw past all my shit, and looked into my heart-into something that no one ever took the time to see. She held my heart in her hands warming it, returning it to a glowing shade of red, but when she left it returned to a cold blue one.

Feelings that I had and have for her are something I can't and probably never will explain. Our relationship was never heard of, the toxic love I gave her broke her insides. She broke and lost herself, while she was trying to repair me. She placed piece by piece of myself back together, one of the pieces being her but when she left the whole thing shattered into those millions of pieces.

These words that I'm speaking now don't fix anything that had happened in the past, I realize that I should've said them at the time. I didn't say words or sentences to her that I wish I had, I could've said I loved her more and how much I cared for her. All the things that I needed to say were never said, and now I wish I had.

The one day Tori told Niall that Cam was still wearing my shirt from that dreadful day, she never took it off. I broke her I ruined her, I can never forgive myself for that. The question is-is she still wearing the shirt? Now wearing the same shirt for two years sounds disgusting but that shirt has more meaning to her than anyone could understand. That shirt was mine, just how she was mine, I lead her to believe that I wasn't her's.

What I did to her will takes years and years of therapy to help forgive, but I don't have time for that. I haven't gone to therapy sessions because I can cope on my own, I don't need a random ass creep that smells like lotion to tell me how to react. I had Tori and Niall, well mostly Niall, Tori sort of blocked me out for a couple months but who could blame her? When Tori started talking to me again I felt relieved, I asked her questions about Cam, but she hardly had an answer because Cam hadn't contacted her at that time, as of now I'm not sure if she has yet.

Am I in a gang still? Hell no! The boys and I have moved on and matured from that, that was childish and stupid. The guys and I hangout whenever they fly in-in the summer. Zayn and Perrie are engaged, I'm happy for him but jealous...no I'm not...I think. Louis and Rachel are together, and Louis has told me that he has true feelings for her. Liam and Sophia are still together but its fun to tease him about Danielle, anytime we do he just blushes or tells us to shutup. As you know Tori and Niall both have major feelings for one another and its obviously unconditional love because Niall is a pain in the ass! Me...single as fuck, slept with girls none caught my eye and yeah...nothing. I tried to get to know them but all they wanted was for me to get in their pants, it was awkward cause I adjusted to having a girlfriend and just making love to her. I have never made love with anyone after Cam, I promise...she was special.

I'm skipping work today, my assistant can do my work. The sky is dull as usual and I'm literally thinking about buying a house near the beach, this damn neighborhood is too gloomy for my liking. She made my life "bubbly and entertaining" and now I am mopeing around like an idiot when as of now I can be "hanging ten" or whatever those blonde dicks say.

I go out to eat everynight cause I'm too lazy to cook, plus I only cooked for her. Anything I want to do reminds me of her, looks or smells like her. My niece has Cam's eyes which drives me insane, Gemma is always asking why I "ignore" the child? So much for a "fresh start" huh, when all I do is think about her. Ugh! I'm a pathetic asshole!

Wanna know what I'm doing at this moment? I'm sitting a on a chair by the window with a view of a brick wall...a damn brick wall which laughs at me for blocking my view from the world, and it obviously doesn't give a single shit. That brick wall used to be me, until my wall was knocked down half way by her. I don't have time for this shit anymore but I can't bring myself to stop it, nor do I have the strength or in the state of mind to. 

I need to forget but me being a stubborn ass I can't and that is how I'm going to be for the rest of my life...stubborn.

Instagram: @/ camarryislife

Twitter: @/ letmalikstyles1

Hey so I had a sick day today due to allergies...yay *note obvious sarcasm*

I have a huge test in ILA tommorow which I'm probably gonna fail so yay *cue another obvious sarcastic comment*

I look ratchet as hell today!

So I hope you enjoy the update along with a Harry P.O.V!!!! I love writing him <3

VOTE/FOLLOW/COMMENT/SHARE!!

             BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!