The Hole Within

CHAPTER 8

The last time I went to see my dad was the summer of my fifteenth year. His wife, Debbie, picked me up from the airport and drove me back to their house. On the way, she told me that mom said I had been experimenting with alcohol and pills. I was surprised, I had no idea that she knew. When we got to town she stopped at a liquor store and asked me what I liked to drink. I was too shocked to answer. Finally, I told her I did not really know. She went in and came out with a bottle of whiskey for her and my dad and a fifth of vodka for me. "We would rather you drink with us so we can keep an eye on you and be sure you are safe," she explained. I was understandably stunned at the fortunate turn of events. 

We arrived at the house and my dad was still at work. When we walked in she told me to follow her, that she had a treat for me. We went into their bedroom then into the adjoining bathroom, "Now, you have to promise not to tell your dad," she said conspiratorially. I weakly promised and she reached up for a Kleenex box on the top shelf. She brought it down and removed a plastic baggie of white powder hidden in its depths. "This will make drinking seem boring," she promised. She tapped out a thin line of the powder onto the bathroom cabinet. Then she tapped out a thick line next to it. "I'll show you how to do it," she said. She took a glass tube from the Kleenex box and held it up to one nostril. "What you want to do is breath in through your nose." She proceeded to demonstrate for me. She bent over the counter, held the end of the tube over the thick line of powder and quickly inhaled. The white powder disappeared up the tube. "Now you try it," she coaxed as she held out the glass tube to me. I took the glass gingerly and followed her example. It burned my sinuses as I inhaled. I was not sure what I was supposed to be feeling but I felt a slight buzz like I had drunk too much caffeine. The coke may have been weak or my line too skinny, but I did not see the attraction. I preferred the high I got from pills and from drinking but I told her that it was okay. Satisfied, she urged me to go unpack and told me that this summer was going to be fun since I was older.

That evening we sat out on their deck and watched the night as the adults partied. Debbie served me orange juice and vodka and I sat drinking my drink listening to the adults talk. Soon I was feeling high as she filled the empties. I began to laugh with the adults and this amused them. I barely registered the fact that every other drink Debbie handed me was water. The drunker I got the bigger the sky seemed to be. I would tune everything out and gaze up at the stars. This served to further entertain the group, "Oh yeah, she's drunk now," said one of the guests and they burst out laughing as they had been drinking along side of me. When I got up to go to the bathroom, I swayed and bumped into walls. This caused a fresh set of delight to engulf the watching adults. "Don't you think she's had more than enough?" one of the lady guests asked my dad and Debbie. I came back to the deck and was given water in lieu of the alcohol. I did not notice. My lips and mouth were numbed and my head swam pleasantly. I do not know how long I spent out there with them. The next thing I knew they told me it was time for me to go to bed. My dad helped me navigate to my room. Usually anxious to be alone with him, I felt nothing. He must have helped me undress and put on a nightshirt because that is what I woke in. He helped me into bed and I felt the room tilt then spin as I lay on my pillow. I cannot remember how long my dad lingered in my room. I barely remember the sound of Debbie's voice as she called to him from somewhere in the house. He left my room after what seemed like forever.

We had more drunken evenings, sometimes with their friends, sometimes just three of us. My dad always helped me to my room. We decided to go to Lake Powell to water ski and enjoy the water. That trip was one long drunken adventure. I remember sitting in a lawn chair on the sandy beach. Debbie had brought a cooler with bottles of beer for her and her friend and a large container of pre-mixed orange juice and vodka for me. "Don't let her get too drunk," my dad admonished as he left with his friend to go water skiing. I begin to drink as I watched the waves come in. The sun and the heat had a compounding effect on me and the booze hit me hard. I told Debbie that I had to go to the bathroom and she told me to wade out in the water and relieve myself. They watched the laughing as I weaved out into the water. As I peed the cool water felt wonderful. I stood swaying as the waves pushed against me. After some time, minutes? Hours? I came back to my lawn chair and resumed drinking. Debbie told me that I had better drink some water. I downed a glass of water and refilled it with the orange juice and liquor. Soon the in and out of the waves and the effect of alcohol lulled me to sleep sitting up. For the rest of the day I alternated between filling my cup, drinking and sleeping. Evening came before I knew it and my dad came back. He was angry with Debbie as he watched me weaving drunkenly out to the water to pee. "I thought I told you not to let her drink too much," he admonished. I came back to my chair with a drunken grin on my face. "Relax," said Debbie, "This is her vacation and there's no one around." His temper cooled at that. The evening passed much the same way the day had. I do not remember going to bed. I do not remember if my dad escorted me and helped me out of my clothes. Each day passed in much the same manner, with the exception of the days my dad took me out on the boat to water ski.

When the summer was over I packed and we went to the airport. I arrived home and I must have looked like shit because my mom knew something had happened during my visit. She quizzed me about my stay, not letting up until I finally told her about the drugs and the drinking. Mom was livid. I heard her as she called my dad and ranted at him. She told him that my visits were over. She would not allow me to go back. I was inwardly relieved. While I enjoyed the constant drunkenness, I hated how and unsettled and frightened my dad made me feel. True to her word, I never went back.