The Hole Within

CHAPTER 23

I met Diane at a group therapy session I was attending. I was immediately drawn to her. As a predator knows the weakest of the pack, so too, does a master manipulator know someone easily manipulated. She had just completed her Masters in social work. She was in training for her LSW, a process in which the candidate conducts therapy under the supervision of a licensed professional. I asked her if she did private therapy and she said that she did. I told her I had multiple personality disorder and asked if I could see her. She told me she would have to check with her supervisor as she had never worked with the disorder. 

She called me about a week later to tell me that we could proceed. I was happy to find a new therapist after my experience with Lynn and Wes. We began with the normal one hour sessions but quickly found it necessary to have two to four hour sessions twice a week. I often attended those sessions high on pills and/or alcohol. She knew I was high, and did not approve, but continued to hold the sessions anyway. Through my heartbreaking tales of sexual and Satanic abuse I drew her in. Her eyes often filled with tears watching the pain I was going through. As our sessions progressed she met various personalities but I believe her favorite was Alyson, the four-year-old. Taking on the persona of a frightened child, I would withdraw into myself and weep. Diane had a strong maternal instinct and it broke her heart to witness so much repressed pain. She would hold me and cry with me as if I were her own. When Alyson withdrew and acted frightened she would coax her slowly into her arms. I write:

A four-year-old

Cried for you today

Needing comfort and

Love

Needing to be

Needed

Too bad you

Only saw a

20-year-old

Struggling for

Control.

Once again, I found in her a surrogate mother who would give me the love I yearned for. Like with Liz, Kandy or some other personality would snub Diane, insult her and even walk out. Again, the proof of Diane's love was that she did not reject me. There was a great deal of transference on both our parts. She cared for me way beyond a patient-therapist relationship. She would tell me that she loved me, that if we had met under different circumstances and she were not my therapist we would be friends. She told me how much she enjoyed being with me and talking to me. All lines no therapist should ever cross. I had her personal phone number in case I needed her outside of therapy. I would often call her, suicidal, and she would try to talk me into going to the hospital. Sometimes I did and other times I think I used it as a ploy to receive validation of her caring. I knew that when I cut or burned myself it hurt her. At times, I would hurt myself during session, slamming my fist into my head or thighs with all my strength. She would intervene, holding my arms to my sides and crying for me to stop. Other times I would pop pills during therapy. She would ask what I had taken and how many I had already taken before session. Most times I had no idea as I had lost count. All of it was manipulative attention getting behavior. An experienced therapist would not have put up with it. It had become too hard for her to be objective. Our relationship had to her wanting to save me and me wanting to be saved. I write:

I see you through a child's

Eyes

Full of longing for

Love

I see you as a friend

Laughing and

Caring

I see you as a helper

Compassionate

Effective and

Complete

To me you are

Mother

Friend

Helper

To you,

I'm afraid

I'm just another

Number.

Is this the right word? Her wanting to save you and you wanting to be saved doesn't seem like a degrading of the relationship.