The Hole Within

CHAPTER 22

Then I found out that Liz was getting married. My world was unraveling around me and I walked through life in a daze. Drugs, alcohol, cutting, burning, restricting my food. My relationship with Leah was extremely codependent. We fed off each other's pain, taking turns in crisis. I would go to her dorm room and we would wallow in our dysfunction. At night, I lay with her in bed holding her as she went to sleep. I was bolder by then and when we held each other I would turn and lightly brush her lips with mine. Not really a kiss but an intimate act resembling one. She saw Kim for therapy and I was stunned when she told me that she could no longer see me. Kim had given her an ultimatum, either break off the relationship with me or he would not continue therapy with her. She chose him. I made an appointment with Kim so I could confront him. He freely admitted the choice he gave her. He told me that we were not good for each other. That our relationship was sick. That I fed off her misery and took advantage of her. I was too shocked to respond. He was vile and hateful. He was non-responsive to my sobs as he tore into me. He told me that I only served to make her disorder worse. All my fears about being a bad person, poison to those I love, was validated. I write:

Abandoned

I feel

Abandoned

Again

Is it a sin

To love me?

Am I just too

Contaminated,

Unhealthy,

Dysfunctional?

Maybe it's a sin

To expect to be

Loved.

Therapy with Lynn continued. At some point, he bought brought in a psychologist, Wes. He wanted consultation to handle the multiple personality disorder and what he suspected was demon possession. They videoed and audiotaped the sessions where they searched for the supposed demon. Of course, they found what they were looking for, I was possessed. They began to conduct marathon sessions where they worked on exorcising the demon. These sessions ended with my sweat-soaked body exhausted. My mental health was decompensating. I would drink until I had alcohol poisoning and would end up in the emergency room. I overdosed on pills and would end up in the emergency room. All I wanted was relief from the torture of the memories, the depression and the exhausting sessions. My faulty memory says the exorcism went on for about two months though it may have been more or less. The sessions were at least twice a week, with marathon sessions on Saturday. Sessions full of hurled vulgarities, curses at God and the two men. At the end of a four to six-hour marathon I would be so exhausted I could barely drive. My head would hurt and my eyes would be swollen from crying. It was emotional rape. At last they proclaimed the exorcism a success. I was no longer possessed and now I could work on the integration of my personalities. In my vulnerable state, I was talked into participating in a lecture Wes was giving on the disorder. There in front of students and professionals my case was laid bare. I got up and spoke of my experience with the disorder and fielded questions. I do not remember how I found out that Wes published a paper, using my name, about multiple personality disorder and the possession / exorcism. I was horrified. This stigma of multiple personality disorder was one thing, but the story of exorcism was another. He did not have my consent and my mom and I filed lawsuit against .

What happened with the lawsuit?