The Hole Within

CHAPTER 31

I was a constant source of pain for Diane. She wanted to wrap her warm arms around me and keep me safe. It must have been difficult for her to try to help me as she could not be objective. Her training demanded that she must but her heart refused to let her be. She would invite me to go to Chuck E Cheese with her and her son to lighten the mood. Seeing her with her two-year-old boy only served to darken it. Every time I would meet her I would go with the intention of behaving myself. I wanted desperately to be normal. To go out with a friend and enjoy her company. But there was no boundary between friend/mother/therapist. I also found it difficult to maintain as Lysa. Personalities would surface and cycle with dizzying speed. I know it exhausted her trying to keep up with who was out. Feeling the ever-constant changes in my mood. Gregarious, sullen, angry, withdrawn, fearful, needy. I would try to keep them in check by ingesting more than my usual doses of narcotics. I would be so high that Diane feared for my safety driving. That I never got pulled over is a wonder. I write:

She leads me through

The tunnels of my

Mind

A maze of a long

Forgotten past

Holding my hand as

Demons

Tear at my trembling

Soul

To trust is to risk

To risk is to love

To love as she loves

She loves me –

Always

My guide

***

I decided to go see my friend from the hospital, Matt. He was back home in Reno, Nevada. Armed with fresh prescriptions I fueled up on pills and drove. I arrived safely and showed up at his place, gin bottle in hand. We spent the next few days and evenings constantly drunk. I had planned to stay with him for a week but never made it that long. On the third day, after spending the morning drinking and talking he called me into his bedroom. Dumbly, I went. Matt had been in the shower and he walked out with just a towel on. Eyes half-lidded from drink and desire he let his towel drop. His penis was so hard and erect it touched his belly. He had one hand on it, stroking it, as he walked towards me. I was shocked. He always had been flirtatious but I had never expected this. I tried to laugh it off and told him to put his clothes on. But he was too far gone and continued to advance. "See what you do to me?" he asked. I saw danger in his eyes. A tricky moment to be sure. I told him that I just did not feel that way about him, but he continued to pull at his cock. "Please just touch it," he pleaded. "We can still be friends I just need you right now," he implored. I got off the edge of his bed and pushed my hands against his chest. He stumbled in his drunken state. Fear and shame flashed in his eyes as he took a step back. I took the opportunity to leave the room and rushed to pack my things. Despite all I had drunk that morning I felt quite sober. Perhaps it was the adrenaline rush that washed over me in his room.

As I put my bags in the car he rushed out of the house, fully dressed. "Please do not go," he cried "I'm sorry I do not know what came over me." I knew I could not stay, the danger I saw in his eyes burned in my mind. I left him there in his front yard and hit the liquor store on the way out. I stocked up on booze and bought a Big Gulp of Mountain Dew. I had only filled the glass half way with Mountain Dew and, driving, I used one hand to unscrew the lid of the gin and deftly poured the drink full. By the time I was twenty miles out of town I had drunk half of the drink. I refilled the cup with more gin. The drive back was treacherous as I was blinding drunk. As I drove up the mountain I felt vague unease. I did not remember driving through a mountain range on the way there. It was snowing and the mountain road was covered with snow. I begin to wind around the mountain pass. Constantly refilling my cup with the liquor, I was now drinking straight booze. My mouth was numb so I no longer tasted the sharp sting. I must have been going too fast for the dangerous road condition. I turned around a curve and suddenly my car lost purchase and it began to spin. Heart pounding, it came to a stop not even a foot from the edge of the barrier-less cliff. I looked out at the driver side window and saw the steep drop down below. I must have sat there for a good five minutes lost in the sight of the dizzying abyss below. The luck of the drunk and the foolish was with me, I had not spilled a drop of my giant drink. Wisely, I put it down and got out the map to study it. I was way off course. I had no idea how I got so way off course. Putting my car in gear I carefully steered clear of the edge and eased my car back into its rightful lane. I tried to sober up as I conducted a seventeen-point U-turn, easing forward and backing up again in fits and starts. Retracing my steps, I drove over a hundred miles to get back on route. Wow! How had I possibly gotten so far off course? I must have been too caught up in my music, singing long and oblivious. It never entered my conscious mind that it might have something to do with the two empty bottles of gin rolling around on the passenger side floor. When you are a drunk denial is a wonderful river to float on.