The Hole Within

CHAPTER 28

At twenty-two, I decided it was time to lose my virginity. There was no online dating back then, just personal ads in the newspaper. "Slim, five feet seven, hundred and ten pounds, brown hair, brown eyes, SWF seeks SWM for fun and excitement. Serious inquiries only." Or something like that. You would call in and set up a profile, you recorded a message that would play when interested parties called your mailbox. I went on several blind dates. You never knew what the guy would look like save a general description. Most of what they said about themselves were not true. They were too fat, too ugly, too old or not old enough. The ones that were decent-looking did not like the fact that I smoked.

I met him at a Denny's on the outskirts of town. I do not remember his name if I ever really knew it. He was not bad looking and was older than me. We did not have much of a conversation. We both expressed interest and I went with him to his car. He paid an hourly rate at a run-down motel and we went to a room. I was not nervous going into a motel room with a stranger, and I went along willingly. Of course, I was high on pills. We sat on the bed and started to kiss furtively. Soon we progressed to fondling. He kneaded my breast through my clothes then asked me to take them off. I complied numbly. I was totally detached from what I was doing. I was watching myself outside my body when he pulled me to him and begin to suck on my nipples. My hand went to his rock-hard penis and I stroked him through his pants. He asked me to take them off him. Again, I complied with cool detachment. His cock freed, it jutted up at attention. He pushed me down to my knees and asked me to put his cock in my mouth. This was not the way it was supposed to go. I had assumed we would fuck and I had not bargained for this. Trapped, I did what he told me to. He shoved my head down on his swollen member and I gaged as it hit the back of my throat. He was too preoccupied to notice. It seemed to go on forever with me between his knees bobbing up and down, as I choked on his length, his hand on the back of my head with steady pressure. The voices inside my head were screaming. I was drowning. I could not breathe. At last he shot his load into my mouth as he convulsed with release. I was too horrified to know what to do. I backed away as a thin stream of sperm dripped down my chin, my mouth full of his spunk. He regarded me with mercy and told me I could go to the bathroom is spit it out. I came back to the bedroom after washing my mouth out and he was dressing. He indicated that I should do the same. I was too disgusted to be disappointed. Amazingly, he handed me a twenty-dollar bill and his business card and told me that we could do this again and to call him. Next time he would take care of me, he promised. We left the motel in silence. He took me back to my car and dropped me off. I felt hollow. Unwittingly, I had just prostituted myself. I write:

Tears are a

Silence

That

Scream.

I told Diane about the encounter and her eyes filled with tears. She took me in her arms I think more for herself than me. I think, at times, she felt my pain more acutely than I did. I was so numbed by pills that I did not feel the full impact of the event. I felt badly for hurting her. . That session was spent in her arms on the couch in her office. She tried, unsuccessfully, to elicit my pain so we could process it. We ended up talking about other things instead. I asked her questions about her life and she told me about her son, Austin. I was intensely jealous of him. I wanted to be her little girl. I was twenty-two and all I wanted to be was her little girl. The line between patient and therapist blurred even more as she stroked my hair, kissed my head and told me she wished for that too. I write:

You held me

Tonight

You said I was

Good

You assured me I had

Grown

You cared

You shared yourself with

Me

You allowed me to

Feel –

My love is your

Reward.

This doesn't really make sense. You did not realize how badly YOU hurt, or how badly you were hurting her?