The Hole Within

CHAPTER 30

I saw Dave riding a bike on the side of the street. Still seeking to end my virginity, I pulled my car over. I held up my hand stopping him and complimented him by saying that he looked like Mel Gibson. Dave had bad boy good looks with dark shoulder length hair in the style of Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon. I am sure he was surprised to be stopped by a young woman. Boldly I asked him if he would like to go out, maybe grab dinner. Perhaps curious to see where this would lead, he told me he would. I followed him to the house he shared with his roommate. I waited for him as he showered then we went to dinner. We both shared the same interest, namely, sex, getting high and drinking. After dinner, we went back to his house and I followed him to his bedroom. 

That night I lost my virginity on his dirty sheets. After minimal foreplay, he climbed on top of me, put on a rubber and entered me. He had to use KY as I was dry. I lay there not knowing what to do as he thrust painfully inside of me. I felt no pleasure. I did not even know to fake an orgasm. The only orgasms I had was by my own hand think thinking of Liz's body pressing against me, her hands running through my hair. There was no post-coital glow as we finished and he lay next to me, penis limp against his leg, smoking a cigarette. He packed a bowl of pot into a pipe and we both got high. Pot was a wonderful sleep aid. His arm slung casually around me, I drifted off to sleep pretending the arm was Liz's. I write:

I put away

Your pictures

Took down your

Poems and cards

Stacked all my

Memories of you

In a box

Tried to forget

Karen sings our song

Tried to forget

There was ever us –

It's not so easy

For me,

Why is it so easy

For

You?

I was still trying to go to college, taking a class here and there, but most of the time was spent drugging and drinking. I was never not high on something. I spend my evenings over at Dave's watching Married with Children, which he thought was hilarious and I thought was stupid. He would drink cans of cheap beer while I nursed rum and coke. We would fuck, smoke a bowl and fall asleep. The only time I would orgasm was when he would put on a porno to watch while we screwed. I would watch with fascination as womens' generous breasts jiggled as they were being fucked. Occasionally I get to watch as two women went down on each other. Seeing a woman's mouth on another's breast as she sucked and teased the nipples filled me with excitement. During the scenes, I would come easily before Dave did. My excitement building as soft hands caressed soft bodies. As tongues ran down silky skin. As women kissed deep and long, tongues playing around one another. We would watch for a while until Dave became hard and then he would enter me as I stared transfixed at the screen. By the time he made his first thrust my excitement would bring me to the edge. I would raise my hips up to meet his, driving him deeper, my hands clutching his strong back. I would climax as I imagined the actress's (read: Liz's) hands and lips on me. I felt vaguely guilty about my thoughts in those last final seconds before release. I assume this kind of thinking was normal when one watched pornos.

Weekends went by in a blur of drugs and drink. Dave and I would join John, his roommate, and John's girlfriend, Ana, on his sailboat. I have fond memories of those weekends we spent time on Utah Lake. The way John expertly handled his sailboat, inching every bit of speed out of it. Ana and I would sit against the rail and lean our heads back, hair whipping in the wind. John always had the best pot. I would start out high on pills then smoke a bowel of John's primo pot and the edges would smooth out. I let myself go out on the water. The voices would fade and I would be free. It was the only time I ever felt at peace.

I think Dave soon become bored with me. He was often moody and had become quick to strike out at me if I displeased him in any way. Diane disapproved of him, knowing that he often hit me. I went to a session one day and she noticed a deep bruise on my arm and asked if Dave had given that to me. "No," I would tell her, "I did that when I fell." I lifted my shirt and showed her the purple bruise on my side where Dave's foot had been, "He did this to me," I explained, "when I talked during Married with Children."