My self-esteem continued to erode away under the stream of her words. I lived in constant fear of an outburst. Despite my efforts to make sure everything was perfect, there were things I could not control. If Mel stubbed her toe or barked her shin on a piece of furniture it was my fault, I had moved it in her way. If Mel could not find something it would be because I had not put it back where it belonged. God help me if I spilled something or dropped something! "I'm sorry" became my standard reply. I apologized for everything. It came out of my mouth before I had even thought to say it. It was automatic if I knocked something over, dropped a piece of silverware, sat on the remote and changed the channel, etc. I apologized for simply existing. However, it did not stop whatever biting comments Mel threw at me.
Despite the anger and possessiveness, Mel and I did have fun together. It was not all doom and gloom. Mel loved me deeply. I loved her too but I think I was also becoming dependent on her. Estranged from mom, Mel was all I had. Isolated as I was from being sick, at home all day, Mel was my only contact with the outside world. Mel became my existence, my world. My only goal was to please her. During good days Mel would be like her old self and we would talk and laugh. Never really having a satisfying sex life in the past, being with Mel sexually was heaven. It was the only time I felt secure with her. The way she made love to me made me feel loved and cherished. Mel would often and write me little notes of love and place them on my lunch plate she would make for me. She gave me cards and bought me roses. The good Mel was a romantic.
YOU ARE READING
The Hole Within
Non-FictionMy soul-searching story of a dark past. Growing up in a strict Mormon household I slowly withdraw into a dark world of my own; self-mutilating, suicide attempts and self-medicating with drugs and alcohol. I go into therapy and discover repressed mem...
