The Hole Within

CHAPTER 40

I had acquired a new razor blade. The pain inside raged at me as I held it in my left hand. I slashed it across my upper arm and instantly realized I had gone too deep. I should not have used a new razor! Blood gushed and instantly soaked through the gauze I had prepared. Dripping blood, I went to the bathroom for a wash rag. I took the gauze off and used the cloth to soak up the blood. The cut was about five inches long. I could see muscle and the layers of fat below the skin. It was almost half an inch deep. I groaned inside as I really did not want to have to go get stitches. No matter what excuse you made up they always knew and they treated you with contempt. I taped the washcloth to my arm and drove to Tyler's house. As I drove up a sleek black Doberman came out of the house barking. It scared me to death. I did not like the big dogs. I stayed safely in my car and Tyler came out to rein the dog back in. He was shirtless and had tats all over his chest, stomach and back. He seemed surprised to see me sitting in my car. Holding on to the dog's collar he motioned me in. I did so apprehensively as I eyed the dog. "She's just a big old baby," he said as he scratched behind her ears. Then he noticed the blood-stained cloth taped to my arm. "What's going on there?" he asked. I lifted the makeshift bandage and asked him if he thought I needed stitches. His eyes went wide at the site and he told me that yeah, it probably did. He grabbed a shirt and drove me to the emergency room. While we waited, he asked me how I managed to get cut up there. I told him I did not want to talk about it. He said okay and did not mention it again.

The nurse came in to clean the wound. She applied Betadine and opened a package containing a brush. I was horrified as she began to scrub the gaping wound with the brush. It set my whole arm on fire. I think she was just trying to make it as unpleasant as possible. It was a clean-cut, there was no reason to scrub it with a brush. I ended up with a number of stitches inside and about twenty or so on the outside to close it up. The worst part was when the doctor injected me with lidocaine in the open wound. As Tyler drove me home I quizzed him about his drug of choice. How does heroin make you feel? What is so great about it? Like that. He was reluctant to talk about it. I told him I wanted to try it. "No, you do not," he exclaimed, "that shit will ruin you!" I told him I really did not care anymore. I was desperate to kill the feelings.

We drove to Bridal Veil Falls. It was my favorite place to go with Liz. We sat on the lawn and talked. I had the idea that we would walk up to the falls but it was too dark. Tyler begin to kiss me. I was not attracted to him but I needed to fill the hole inside with something. He reached down it to remove my jeans at I told him I was on my period. "That's okay," he said, "It's actually good, you won't get pregnant," as he admitted that he had no condom. I lay there and let Tyler fuck me with the ground hard beneath me, small sharp rocks poking me in the back. I tried to enjoy it, to take some comfort in being touched. But his was not the soft-touch I so desired. His kisses weren't gentle like Kelly's. I did not feel anything.

"I'm serious," I told him, "I want to try it." We were driving back to his house. He told me he would think about it. Knowing that he was giving in, I cuddled up to him in the car as he drove. I felt a sense of excitement. A sense of no turning back, this was my destiny. The years of searching for escape, searching for something to fill the hole was culminating in this moment. I nuzzled Tyler's ear, "If you do not get it for me I'll get it from somebody else." "I'll make some calls," he said with resignation.

Just like that I realized it does not take much to lead an addict back. He had been clean for over eleven years, and was the envy at my Narcotics Anonymous meetings. A truly inspiring man who cheated death and survived prison. All it took was a young woman half his age to lead him back to temptation. Was it the sex? I certainly could not have been a good lay, lying there cold beneath him as he grunted and sweated. No, I think he rationalized to himself. Here was a young woman determined to use and he wanted to keep me safe. Perhaps, he told himself, he would not use, that he would just help me. I will never know why he gave in so easily.