The Hole Within

CHAPTER 9

After that, my memory fails me. Life became like stop-time animation. A snapshot here and a snapshot there. I was tremendously unhappy. I devoted all my time at home to delving deeper into myself. With a of prescriptions to exploit I did so readily. Their effect was strengthened by the weight I had lost in my semi-malnourished state. I drifted on the waves of AC/DC, feeling an increasing ball of anger well up inside of me. I was angry at mom for marrying this pretender. Angry at the friends who had betrayed me. Angry at the best friend who I had a maddening crush on and now could not see. Most of all angry with myself. There was not a person in my life who had not abandoned me in some way. I began to write a list of names of all those who caused me pain. Those I would have liked to punish.

As I mentioned, I have always had a vivid imagination and been an avid reader. I was reading books several grade levels ahead of me and at this point the books were dark. Bleak classics by Joseph Conrad, Dostoevsky, etc. As I read, the stories played out in my mind like a movie. I read Nietzsche and begin to imagine a world where I was dictator. A world I could control. In this world parents would have to get license to have children, proving they have the means to support them, mentally and physically. But they could only have two. Anymore would prove unmanageable (read: my family). If they broke the law, the extra baby/unlicensed baby would be pickled in a large mason jar. This is an example of the dark passages my mind explored. I brooded and gave menacing looks to my siblings. I found another release in horror movies. The more gore the better. Rated R movies were banned at my house. However, I could watch them at Amy B's. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre thrilled me. It's evil bloodlust matching my own morbid thoughts.

Where did the supply come from?

M