The Hole Within

CHAPTER 21

I met Gloria when she was admitted to the unit. She was an emaciated black woman with impossibly long, thin limbs. Her arms and legs told a long history of abuse by her own hands. Their skin was a patchwork of keloid scars from slashes and cigarette burns. She seemed to be running out of visible virgin skin. It made me wonder what the rest of her body looked like. She had also been diagnosed with multiple personality disorder. I was drawn to her humor. She used her quick wit to diffuse serious situations and we spent a lot of time together talking, but mostly laughing. Laughter was a rare commodity in those solemn halls. She did a perfect imitation of Louise, our leader in group. She was the only one who dared to call her "Wheezy" to her face. Louise must have been in her earlier seventies. She had an immaculate helmet of styled silver hair. A small slight woman, she commanded group like a drill sergeant. Wheezy had the habit of flipping her ever-present set of keys back and forth in her hand. All through group I would hear the swish-clack, swish-clack of her keys.

Leah was a late arrival in my stay. She had shoulder-length blonde curly hair and blue eyes. I was instantly attracted to her. I am very acute to what I can only describe as pheromones. I can smell the attraction on a person's breath. I do not know how to describe it. It goes beyond the physical, it is more of the visceral feeling. She was equally drawn to me. Liz still held my heart, but Wayne held hers. I wanted to separate myself from her, to ease the pain. I wanted to find someone else to take her place. I wanted to strike back at her in hopes of igniting jealousy in her. Leah and I would seek each other out and hold each other for comfort. She was going to BYU, and native of Wenatchee Washington. She was bulimic. I had always seen bulimics as lesser than us anorexics. They lacked the will to have a proper eating disorder. Binging on food then throwing up was a disgusting practice to me. Typically, the anorexics and bulimics found friends with disorders of their own kind. So, ours was a mixed relationship, much like an inter-racial couple.

I was finally released and I went back to my job at the hospital day care. I had helped open the daycare, the first of its kind in the country. I started out teaching the two-year-old class. I eventually moved over to the baby house. Eric was a beautiful ten-month-old with light brown hair. I favored him heavily. His parents both worked at UVMC, Annette in medical records and John as a security guard. They had always loved my connection with Eric and so I was dismayed when I came back to work and Anette requested that I not take care of him. Shortly after, I found out that she knew I had been in the hospital and, working in medical records, she pulled and read my chart after discharge. I was horrified and, apparently, so was she. Word quickly spread about my multiple personality disorder and I had to resign as none of the parents wanted me around their kids. Back then HIPAA did not exist. Still, I should have pursued a lawsuit. I was too fucked up to do anything about it.