The Hole Within

CHAPTER 60

I had completed my six months and the scan showed the cavity had shrunk. We were hopeful that the worst was now behind us. They removed the central line in my chest and I was left with angry marks where the stitches had been. For the next three months Mel and I tried to live a normal life, however, my exhaustion did not go away. We went house shopping and seeing a model home we loved, we decided to buy and build. I was elated at the prospect of getting away from Rachel and her boyfriend. I was ready to start a real life with Mel. Her mood had improved. With the help of Soma, so did mine. My body required more and more to achieve the effect I longed for. The doctor just kept filling my refill requests. During those three months, we were happy. Laughing, talking and loving. Mel was her good self, with only occasional outbursts of anger.

We went back to the doctor with great anxiety. We wanted to hear that the cavity had continued to shrink, or that it was gone. I sat in the uncomfortable plastic exam room chair and sobbed as the doctor told us it was again growing. That I would have to go back on chemo for another six months. I wanted to scream and rage at the injustice. I wanted to strike out at this invisible disease that was killing me. Mel tried to console me but her own despondence was too great.

I went through the same steps as before. The hospital, and central line, this time on the opposite side, the first dose, then released back home. I was once again transported by the same medical transport, I went back to the same hospital, was monitored by the same nurse. It was a vicious cycle that I felt I could not break. My life had become about hanging on to living. My living had become about just existing. I should have played the lottery, the doctor told me that only one percent of the people that get Valley Fever got it as bad as I had it.