The Hole Within

CHAPTER 18

I continued to live a split existence after graduation. I attended UVCC part of the day, studied, then spent my time with my sisters and their friends. My time with Liz was limited because Wayne had returned from his mission and she spent most of her time with him. My sisters' friends were a rowdy bunch, led by my fourteen-year-old sister, Dani and her boyfriend Rob. Rob had a friend, a sixteen-year-old named Ben. Ben and I hooked up and had a drunken and drug fueled romance. He was more the bad boy I was attracted to, though a poor substitute for Liz. Dark curly hair and bronzed good looks. I expect that he was drawn in by my age, eighteen, and wild streak that matched his own. Once again, I managed to hold onto my closely held virginity, engaging in heavy petting only.

I have only vague memories of that time. Perhaps it was due to all the alcohol and drugs I was consuming. I remember snapshots of class, snapshots of drinking with Ben, alcohol fueled kisses and furtive touching and snapshots of being at Liz's house, once again bookending Liz on the couch, her hands holding one of Wayne's and one of mine. She had become concerned about my open rebelliousness. She told me that she knew about my drinking and could smell the cigarette smoke on my breath. Reflecting about it now, I think I used the drinking and smoking as lures to try to reel her in. I had hoped that she would see that I needed her more than Wayne did. I was desperate to keep her and all I could feel was her slipping away from me. It was hard to hate Wayne though, he was such a likable guy with a wicked sense of humor. He did his best to include me and was maddingly nice and polite. I hated what he stood for; the end. I write:

I love you

I know all of you

I watched you

I studied you

I lost me in

You

I must find

Me

Because I'm not in you

Anymore –

Someone else

Is.