The Hole Within

CHAPTER 48

In the morning, I woke and got out of bed, forgetting the previous night in my sleepy haze. "What the fuck is that?" Mel bellowed. I looked down and saw that I had bled through my white cotton socks. My face flushed red, being caught, I struggled to find an explanation. Mel knew how I had gotten the patchwork of scars on my arms and accused, "You fucking cut yourself?" Again, I was at a loss for word as I stood next to the bed. Mel's fear and shock turned into anger and she told me that she was not going to put up with this shit. She threatened to do the very thing I had been fearing, she threatened to leave. I dropped to my knees next to the bed and began to sob. "Please!" I cried, "Please forgive me! I promise that I will not do it again!" 

I wanted, I needed to fix things. To go back and reverse what I had done. I was desperate to keep her. Mel threatened. Mel accused. Finally, Mel relented. She told me that if I did shit like that again she was gone. I promised I would not as I grasped desperately to hang on to my reprieve. I felt humbled and contrite but I also felt a deep sense of loss. This outlet, the cutting and burning, had been my source of relief. I knew that I would lose Mel if I did it again, but it felt like I was letting go of a dear friend. The rest of the day Mel was cold towards me which heightened my sense of loneliness. I needed her love to fill me up, I even welcomed her anger so I could feel like I was being seen. Like I was there. That I had not disappeared. Finally, that evening, she took me in her arms and forgave me, telling me that she had just been scared. That what I had done freaked her out. That she loved me too much to see me hurt myself. I welcomed her kisses, her soft embrace. I needed her fingers inside me, her mouth on me to make me feel alive again. To make me feel loved. To make me feel. I write:

I finally let

You go

Now

Can I

Let go of

Letting you

Go?