The Hole Within

CHAPTER 67

Weeks passed with agonizing slowness. After two weeks, I went back to the surgeon to get my staples removed. I was surprised at how fast they came out. Mel called my scar my lifeline. Chemo was as awful as ever. Weeks turned into months and soon I was nearing the end. Even with the chemo I began to feel better. I had actually begun to gain weight. Once treatment was done and I got my central line removed I started to recuperate from the harsh chemicals in my body. Every day I felt stronger than the day before.

One day I took the dog for a walk. Halfway down the street I realized that this was the furthest I had ever walked him. I looked at the green grass and the tall trees. I took in the clear blue sky above. I was happy. I was actually happy. After spending so many years numbing myself and trying to kill myself, I realized in that moment how precious life was. I wanted to live. I had fought to live. The depression, the anorexia, the quest to die seemed to be supercilious distractions from truly living. It took me almost losing my life. It took me to have to fight to live to give it all up. I had always been skeptical of epiphanies people said they had after beating an illness, but here was mine. I wanted to shout, I wanted to cry out to the sky. I wanted to run and feel good doing so.

Instead I took the dog for a long walk. Reveling in the feeling of not being exhausted and feeling good. I smiled all the way home. The love I had always sought was now within me. The fear of abandonment and being alone was no longer relevant. I could stand on my own. I did not need anyone or anything to complete me, I felt complete within myself. The hole within that had always been there was no more. Now I must stand up for myself with Mel, reigning in her anger while eliciting her love. Now I must face an enemy of my own making, the addiction which has overshadowed my life for seventeen years. But at least I was alive. At least I wanted to live.

April 26, 2017 to May 28, 2017