Max became peevish and was often angry. One morning Tim confronted him and group. After some harsh prodding, he admitted to the group that he listened to Kelly and me and was frustrated. Tim kept at him until he exploded, "She shouldn't be fucking him! She should be fucking me!" Tim delighted at the emotional outburst, he turned to the rest of the group and asked, "Who else here wants to fuck Lysa?" When no one replied, he said, "Well if none of you want to admit it I will, I want to fuck Lysa!" Tentatively Elizabeth joined in, "I want to fuck Lysa!" I sat there horrified. This was just creepy. A newcomer added, "I would like to fuck you Lysa!" I was extremely uncomfortable.
We spent the rest of the morning session processing why it made me uncomfortable and why I use my sexuality to lure others in. It had suddenly become my issue that others wanted to fuck me. I wanted to disappear. It disturbed me that Tim said he wanted to fuck me. He was old enough to be my father. That afternoon was particularly brutal as I remained Tim's target. I went to bed that night and cried. Kelly held me and I closed my eyes and pretended it was Liz's arms around me. I need her so badly. I needed the safety I felt when she would hold me. I missed her terribly. Things had changed. I felt small and I wanted to go home. I write:
I've missed your
Warm arms
Telling me
You loved me
I've missed your
Listening ear
Telling me
You loved me
I've missed your
Deep blue eyes
Telling me
You loved me
I've missed your
Generous hellos
Telling me
You loved me
I miss you –
Telling me
You love me.
YOU ARE READING
The Hole Within
Non-FictionMy soul-searching story of a dark past. Growing up in a strict Mormon household I slowly withdraw into a dark world of my own; self-mutilating, suicide attempts and self-medicating with drugs and alcohol. I go into therapy and discover repressed mem...
