The Hole Within

CHAPTER 63

I got my first clue as to how it was going to be when we picked Helga up from the airport. I was summarily introduced then dismissed. Helga barely said hello to me as Mel fell all over herself to unload Helga of things she was carrying. Mel and Helga spoke in German and I trailed behind. I sat in the back seat as her mother took the front and Mel drove. Mel excitedly talked to her mom about the things she had done to her house and the things she planned to do. We arrived home and she helped Helga get out of the car, leaving me to struggle to climb out of the cramped backseat. She gave her the grand tour telling Helga her ideas for this room and that room. I followed behind like a stray dog. Charlie and her other brother, Danny, came over and filled our small living room. Again, they referred to our home as Mel's house as if I did not exist.

Helga was treated like a queen. She picked a rocking recliner to sit in and that became her throne. All three siblings tried to outdo each other in their servitude. Always asking about Helga's discomfort and catering to her every whim before she formed words to express them. It was amazing to watch. Each hoping to fulfill some unspoken need or ease some unspoken discomfort. A stool to put her feet up, a lap blanket so she would not feel chilled, a cup of tea or coffee so she would not be thirsty, a pillow for her head, etc. To say that she was pampered would be an understatement. Each would take their turn sitting at Helga's feet and only move when they had to go to the bathroom, then another would quickly fill the vacant spot. I had never felt as alone in a crowd of people. It was as if I was invisible. I was not acknowledged nor spoken to. When we went to bed, I complained to Mel. She told me that Helga was old school and really did not accept Mel's lifestyle. That I was seen as her roommate. I insisted that she clarify my position with her mother but Mel brushed it aside with anger.

We always had dinner at "Mel's house" and Helga and Mel would shop for the food. Mel would always pay. It was expensive to feed the family and make sure Helga had the best food to choose from at breakfast and lunch. I had allotted a certain amount of money for Mel to spend while her mom was there and it was going too quickly. I told Mel that she needed to ask her brothers to pitch in and help. I think that she did not out of pride. Dinners were always full-course meals of different German dishes. Talk around the table was full of the past and I had nothing to offer. I was relegated to the servant, cleaning up and doing dishes while they retired to the living room to reminisce. No word of thanks or even acknowledgement greeted me when I joined them. I would endure the evenings the same as I endured the dinners, in silence. When I did try to interject, I was ignored. One night I complained to Mel that they treated their mom like an invalid. That they waited on her hand and foot. I suggested that she may want some room and a little independence. My mom, always independent, would have hated it! We went back into the living room and to my horror Mel told Helga what I had said. I blushed red as Helga told Mel "Oh no! I love all of the attention." Mel shot me is satisfied smirk. Our money dwindled and so did I. Sitting there in the living room I wondered if I was even real. It does something to the psyche when one is completely ignored as if they did not exist. One evening I left the group to go to the bathroom. When I was done, I knew I could not go back out there and I wondered if they would even notice my absence. I went to our bedroom (read: Mel's bedroom) and laid down on the bed and watched the television. To my dismay, Mel did not come looking for me. I cried, feeling truly invisible, I put a pillow over my head to drown out their laughing and conversation and went to sleep. After that, I routinely went to the bedroom after cleaning up after dinner. Again, Mel did not ask me about it. She did not ask why or encourage me to sit with her. Helga was her sole focus.