Save Her (Daniel Howell)

Chapter 13: Ocean Waves of Guilt

P. O. V. Bailey
It'd been three days since that disastrous day with Dan, and I have yet to face him. To be honest, I wasn't sure I would ever have the courage to face him after what happened, things would be to awkward, and at this point, I wasn't entirely sure we even would have a friendship left anyway. How could we? Dan knows how I feel about him and I wasn't sure he'd even want to be around me.

Because of what happened, Dr. Collins set up another meeting this week to see how I was doing. I knew she would be really disappointed in me when I tell her that I refuse to face Dan, but I just didn't have the courage too.

"You know honey, Dan and Phil really miss you." Mom told me the morning of Dr. Collins visit. I was sitting at the table, nibbling on some French Toast. She'd seen Dan and Phil the day before when she went out to get groceries.

I put my fork down, and looked at her, swallowing nervously. "I...um, I know mom."

And it was true. Since the incident Dan and Phil have called me leaving many voicemails and texting me almost nonstop. I eventually just turned my phone off, because I felt way to guilty for shutting them out. I looked at my hands neatly folded in my lap, waiting for mom to lecture me to talk to them again. But there was a knock on the door, making my head dart up. I froze in my seat, feeling my heart race and my stomach twist itself into knots at the thought of it being Dan or Phil at the door.

Mom got up, and answered the door. "Bailey, Dr. Collins is here!"

I let out the air that I didn't realize I'd held in, and stood from the table. I went to the living room, sitting on the sofa, and took a deep breathe.

"Bailey, you look like you've seen a ghost!" Dr. Collins said, sitting on the opposite side of the sofa. Mom excused herself to clean up the dishes, giving me a stern face as she left. I knew what she meant, and I closed my eyes, trying to pull together the courage to even say their names. I, however, couldn't keep my eyes closed very long. Flashes of Dan's face went through my mind and my eyes darted open.

"I was...worried that it was, uh, them at the door." I said, trying to avoid using names.

"Them?" Dr. Collins questioned. I knew she was aware who I was talking about, but she was going to force me to say it.

I looked at the floor, feeling my eye burn with the threat of tears. "D-dan and Phil."

I felt like I was going to be sick, the guilt flooding through me like ocean waves. A silence fell over us while Dr. Collins wrote some things down.

"Bailey, have you left this apartment since our last session three days ago?" She asked, I shook my head. "You realize if you cannot bring yourself to at least function and take care of yourself this will be a major setback in your mental health and will result in serious actions?"

I nodded. I looked up at my therapist, and thought for a moment. "I just...I'm too embarrassed to face them. I'm afraid to leave in case I see them. I've been trying, really, but I can't bare to face them."

She adjusted her glasses. "Bailey, I understand why you feel that way. And in better health you may be able to think more rationally. I think it's a good idea for you to focus on getting out of this apartment and have some fun. And when your in better health we will decide what to do about Dan and Phil."

I nodded, and smiled lightly. "Understood."

Dr. Collins smiles, and gives me a list of activities that wouldn't be to difficult for me or my mental health. I thought about calling Louise and Hazel up to see if they wanted to hang out, maybe they would help me see the light in the darkness.

When Dr. Collins left, I went to my room, and turned on my phone. I quickly found Hazel's contact, which was titled 'Hazel-Slays' and pressed call. After a few rings, she picked up.

"Hello beautiful human!" Hazel's Irish accent filled my ears, and I smiled half heartedly.

"Hey Hazel, listen I uh, I've been a bit down in the dumps lately and I really need to get out of the house. Would you and the girls be interested in getting coffee on Saturday?" I asked, glancing over the list of things dr. Collins gave me.

"Sure hun, I'll see you at Starbucks say 2?" She said, and I sighed.

"Sounds good."

We said our goodbyes and I turned my phone off, not bothering to check any of the messages from Dan or Phil. I set my phone on my desk and crawled into bed.

The next few days went by in a blur and before I knew it,it was Saturday. I woke up around noon, after a very restless sleep, and started getting ready for the day. I forced myself out of the five day old sweatpants and t-shirt, and actually put in a little effort.

I threw on a fresh shirt, some ripped black skinny jeans, and my converse. I brushed my hair and teeth, and took a long look at my self in the mirror. After a moment, I turned away, and went downstairs. Dad was sitting on the sofa reading the newspaper and mom was in the kitchen.

"Going to meet, Hazel?" Dad asked. I nodded, and then headed out the door.

I headed down to the main corridor of the complex, but as my hand gripped the large door leading outside, I realized I'd forgotten my phone. I rolled my eyes at myself, and let go of the door handle, spinning around on my heel to head upstairs, but instead smacked right into someone, with enough force to knock us backwards and tumble ping down a flight of stairs. After we landed at the bottom of the staircase, I sat up and rubbed my head.

"Oh my god, I am so so- wait, Bailey?" The familiar voice of Dan filled my ears and my eyes shot up from the floor to look at him. Wide and afraid I picked myself up off the ground, trembling.

"Bailey, are you okay? Phil and I have been trying to get a hold of you but you won't answer. Your mom said that you were too busy to visit. I wanted to talk about what happened-" Before Dan could finish his sentence, I darted back up the stairs. I ran all the way up, back to my families apartment. Hot tears streamed down my face, as I burst through the door.

"Bailey? Honey what's the matter?" My mom questioned as I came in, but I ignored her. I just rushed up to my room. I shut and locked the door, falling face first onto my bed, letting everything go. I hadn't cried this hard since before we moved to London, and it seemed, in this moment, that I wasn't meant to be happy.

There was no escape for me.