la carta de amor

setenta y ocho

078

It's been days since we last talked. I archived our conversation to prevent checking on you from time to time.

It is true, I am still waiting. I'm still waiting for your familiar name pop up on my phone. I still get glad whenever it does.

But it is also true, that I'm done hoping. I'm so done hoping you'd change. I wrote something again because I want to tell you something really sad.

I've come to accept you the way you are, which isn't my plan at first. Not at all.

It's sad because I didn't want to. Because if I accepted you, it means accepting my fate. Which means staying like this. As friends.

I wanted to get revenge, initially. I wanted you to become a man again. I wanted you to stop being gay. I wanted you to fall for me, and be never there when you do.

My feelings kept me this high. My expectations this high. Maybe that's why, I'm the only one hurting right now.

I mean, I may not really be hurting. But I am a loser. A lone loser, may I add. My plan failed, and I'm the one who ended up losing.

I fell for you, all over again. And I lost to myself. I just failed myself... all over again.

I'm still having troubles changing and this is my resolution so far.

If you can see, I'm writing this as carefully as I did back then. This is my last one after all. I'm not going back to being like this. I'm not going back to you.

So please. Don't dare to come back. Because I really am trying my hardest.

I'm REALLY setting you free now. Capslock para intense. Para alam mong seryoso talaga ako. No— scratch that. You won't ever read this anyway. It's more like para alam kong seryoso talaga ako. That's it.

I'm not going to try to come back to your life anymore. Maybe this is God's way of telling me that he's removed you from my life and that I should set you free.

I guess it's about time to believe in fate?

I read something back then that I thought wouldn't relate to you but upon realizing it now, apparently it does.

"If you want something so badly, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours forever. If it doesn't, it was never yours to begin with."

I can't deny here. I still want you, Gabriel. I never lost those feelings because if I did, then I wouldn't bother writing you these letters. Even if they're sometimes hateful... they're still for you. No matter what, these letters are still for you.

I wrote a thousand times here that I'd be letting you go, but foolish me, won't.

I've realized better now. Thanks to a wattpad story I just read (lol). I've realized that I shouldn't try so hard just for you to love me back.

If I want to be loved romantically, I shouldn't settle for less. I shouldn't settle for this. I should've made it clear from the start that I am not here for you as friends. I'm here because I want something more.

Thanks for teaching me this lesson. I won't try so hard to be loved now. But I will try my best to love myself. Because if I do, then maybe, someone would love me too. No— scratch that (again lol). I'm not looking for love. I'll stop looking for love.

All I need is myself. I'd finally let love happen the way it wants. I'd let it happen to myself. Then let it happen to my friends. My family.  (And yes I haven't watched wonder woman yet but I feel so powerful and motivated)

Um... I guess this is over now? I don't know if this is really going to be the last entry...

No. This is really the last entry. If I'm ever feeling happy because I forgot you already, I'm not going to inform you through this anymore. It's over now.

Fuck, I've just set myself free from all these. I'm so fucking glad.

So I guess this is goodbye? Goodbye to these toxic feelings. And apparently so, goodbye to you too.

We are still friends. That's all we ever was. And that's all we're ever going to be.

Goodbye, my friend.

⁃ Andrea Luna ( June 12 , 2017 )