la carta de amor

setenta y siete

077

Binasa ko ulit yung dati kong entries dito. Ang dami ng nagbago. Ang dami ko ng naexperience. Hindi ko naman ineexpect 'to na magiging eventful.

Nakakatuwa lang na mas nakikilala ko sarili ko bawat sulat ko sayo. Lagi kong natatandaan kung ano nararamdaman ko nung mga panahon na 'yun. And looking back, all I can think of is "Tanga". Lol. It's true though, tanga ako.

Young and naive. But happy.

Happy sa una siguro, pero pag tumagal di na. Riel... I can't even remember the last time I called you "Riel" in these entries, and you, Riel, fucked me up. Real good.

But still, you thought me this lesson. And that is valuing myself. So thank you.

Anyway, I'm not writing a long ass letter to talk about you. I'm going to compare things from back then and now.

Kung dati, baguhan ako sa new school ko. I remember writing na I'd rather be with Vince or Raj (na I often wrote about dito lol kadiri tbh) and Louis.

Vince now is my close friend. Tropa na kami. And I'm very comfortable with him. Physical contact kung physical contact lol pero yun lang wala namang malisya.

Raj... at first we didn't talk. Awkward kami nung una especially nung nalaman niyang crush ko siya dahil tinutukso ako. But then we became seatmates and had the opportunity to be kinda close. Di naman kami close talaga, nagaasaran lang.

Louis is still a stranger. No, not really. Maybe acquaintance? Because he knows my face, and I know his. Pero yun lang.

And you... well, you're still there. You're gay now. We talk now. A lot, may I add. But these days we haven't been talking a lot. Which is honestly okay for me. Kasi I think you're a toxic person in my life.

You made me happy but you also made me sad. Well most of the times, sad. Pero I can't deny nga na you taught me this lesson. And that is how to value myself.

And my friends? Oh, my dear friends! They're still there! I'm so happy! And grateful. And I've added more people into my life that I made so much memories with. I'm thankful for everyone. Especially to the two I most mentioned sa entries ko. Jeanne and Arianne. And of course, Mikee. Kahit na dati pinaplastic ko lang siya, ngayon hindi na. Kahit na di ko siya lagi nakakasama, still. She's a part of my life.

Ang dami ng nangyari. I've changed. Maybe the way I type changed. The way I spill the words out of my mouth, changed. Di na ako tagalog na tagalog like I used to. 

I think I've changed. I hope it's for the better. Comparing to how I wrote before... I'm now reckless with what I write. If dati I'm careful. Now... I really don't care anymore. I don't even think about what I'm going to write. I just think about if I'm making sense. But the rest? I don't care.

I've learned to not care. And how to value myself. But... when it's your own family who tells you you're worthless. It just saddens me.

Nakakalungkot. Na ganito tingin sakin ng nanay ko, because that's how I look at myself too.

She's the last person I'd want to hear those words come out of her mouth.

Baboy. Baboy. Baboy. Baboy. Baboy. Baboy. Baboy.

She keeps repeating it like a prayer. I can almost hear her voice everytime I see such word.

Bastos. Bastos. Bastos. Bastos. Bastos. Bastos. Bastos.

Burara. Burara. Burara. Burara. Burara. Burara. Burara.

Tamad. Tamad. Tamad. Tamad. Tamad. Tamad. Tamad.

Jusko, bakit niyo ba ako binigyan ng anak na ganito?

And at the same time I ask myself. 

Lord, why am I still here when no one wants me here?

Before, when I'm suicidal and thinking about ways how to kill myself, I'd say sorry to my parents. Especially to my Dad, oh my sweet sweet Dad who did nothing but give care and love.

I'd say sorry. Sorry because your daughter you poured so much of your love, time and effort in, wants to die.

Now, I don't. I actually feel glad. If I die, Mom won't stress. If I die, Mom would be glad.

If I die, they'd be happy. Richer, even.

My grandparents from my dad's side. Oh how I wish they'd get a grandson. I'd wish I'm gone because they don't care nor love me anyway. I'm just a relative. Nothing less, nothing more.

Lord, I am so sorry. For thinking this way. I know I shouldn't but I can't help it. I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry.

I am loved, right? I am enough. I matter.

I guess, that's what I'll tell myself to sleep tonight.

Anyway, that's it for this letter. Nagsulat ako ng napakahabang letter para icompare ang dati sa ngayon. And dati, I was still loved. I was just suicidal enough not to notice.

Now, I'm not. I'm not suicidal anymore that's why it's making me want to die tonight. I guess afterall, I still am suicidal.

(6/10/2017)