la carta de amor

cuarenta y siete

047

It's November. And every start of every month, I'm always at my weakest. And I still want to kill myself. I have the strongest urge to kill myself, but how? I'm struggling to live. And I'm struggling how to kill myself. I just want peace.

I want my old self. My old environment. I've never thought I would miss it so bad. I've always thought that leaving would be easy, easier rather than to be left. But no, I was wrong all along. I feel like the younger version of me was so foolish. Foolish enough to not see what's in front of her. Foolish enough to waste it all. To not cherish everything she loves.

And right now, I am still foolish. I am a fool, I am weak, I am scared and I am not used to it. I've always felt happy. Rather than being sad, I'd rather be happy. Hopeful. Peaceful. And right now I am not. I am not peaceful, for I am a mess. I am not hopeful, for my hopes are now gone. I am not happy... for I am not who I am.

I feel like I've always been insecure ever since I tried to change my environment. They don't know me enough, and I don't know them too. I am afraid. For I am still not accepted. Maybe they do accept me, but they don't know me enough to accept me the fullest. I am still struggling. Struggling to fit in. I am afraid for I remember 7th grade, I remember being confused, being different, being judged, being misunderstood because they don't know me. I am afraid it would repeat all over again.

I am struggling. I want to die. I feel like I am empty.

I met with my friend today. I missed her so bad. I had fun. I wanted to go back when I met with her. I wanted to go back, for she accepts me for who I am. She accepts me, and I do the same for her.

This is the first time I ever showed real happiness. I was so scared for this day to end because once it ends, it was time to get back to reality. I wasn't with her all the time.  I wasn't real all the time. I wasn't me, most of the time.

I am thinking of killing myself. But I can't. I have to survive this. I am crying because I am struggling to survive. I am crying because I still do not want to die. Just like the friend I was telling you about, I care for her. I don't want to lose her. And I know and I feel it inside me that she doesn't want to lose me.

And oh gosh, don't even get me started with my parents. Oh my lovely parents who has been there all along for me. I don't want to leave them. I am their only hope. They may not know that their daughter is slowly falling apart, but I care for them. As much as they care for me. They have tried their bestest to be a good parent just for me to grow up as the daughter they want me to be.

I am sad because I am a disappointment. But they don't see me as one. I am sad because I want to die... but I can't.

I want to die. I'm sorry, Mommy and Daddy. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry your daughter that you wished for before wants to die. I'm so sorry I am not what you want me to be. I'm sorry I am a mess. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I love you.

(11/4/2016)

ps: that friend was arianne.
pps: i pity my old self :( stop feeling that way :(